"Poor little Ricky Gervais. Someone didn't get enough hugs from mommy and somehow it's Hollywood's fault."

"Welcome back to the Modern Family awards. You know, we decided to throw them into the drama category, just to see what happens. Hollywood."

"Yesterday, my daughter had a tea party with her little friends, and it was so cute. They complained about taxes, called Obama a Communist, and wondered how the Latina kid got in."

"Everyone was asking me if I had a gay agenda for the show. And actually I do. Call Rachel Maddow and find out what time spinning is. Take the pickup in for an oil change - nah, I'll do it myself."

"I had the smallest of aneurysms watching that clip."

"Everyone was asking me if I had a gay agenda for this show. And actually I do. 'Call Rachel Maddow and find out what time spinning is. Take the pickup in for an oil change' - nah, I'll do it myself."

"A lot of people are curious why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of 'Entourage.'"

"Congratulations to Kate Winslet, who just won an Emmy. She's a wonderful film actress, and there are so many movie stars doing TV now that TV stars have been forced into providing voices for video games. And those very same video games are then turned into movies, starring the very people who put the TV stars out of work in the first place. Hakuna matata, my friends. Circle of life."