['Gossip Girl' - 'The Fasting and the Furious']

You'd think with all the fashion flying around the Upper East Side, those skinny socialites would be used to starving themselves -- but apparently any time there's a fast, the VIPs forget to mind their Ps and Qs, leading to some serious social faux pas (in front of a tabloid journalist, no less).

This week's 'Gossip Girl' found our Queen B. in a right royal predicament, as her baby drama threatened to capsize her burgeoning relationship with Louis' high-maintenance family. We knew Sophie was taking the impending visit from the stork a little too calmly -- and we were feeling distinctly uncomfortable at the possibility that we might have to start thinking of her as a nice person -- so the appearance of a ridiculous pre-nup was a welcome relief that downgraded her straight back to Wicked Witch status.

Join us after the jump for our five favorite moments from episode five.

1. Princess Sophie's Choice
I guess when you're royalty, you become accustomed to having your cake and eating it, but eeeeeevil Princess Sophie apparently isn't getting the hint that one should never go to war with a Waldorf. Surprisingly, though, the malevolent dictator who once ruled the halls of Constance Billard with an iron fist and color-coordinated headbands seemed a little too willing to bend to her future mother-in-law's will this week, and was supposedly prepared to move to Monaco just to keep the peace with Louis' nearest and dearest. Could it be because she's feeling guilty about a questionable paternity result, perhaps?

Methinks our potential princess is starting to realize that her fairytale fantasies are a little too fanciful to fixate on any longer, especially when the Grimaldi family politics seem so tangled, they make the Bass clan look positively well-adjusted. Luckily, even if Blair was feeling demure and and accommodating (and really, B., we expect more from you), Louis finally decided to grow a pair and stand up to Mama Voorhees Grimaldi once and for all, rebuffing her attempts to guilt Blair into signing a pre-nup that would essentially keep her and the baby out of New York forever (blasphemy!).

This newfound testicular fortitude didn't go down well with Sophie, who seemed content to immediately transfer all of her motherly love to scheming daughter Beatrice instead. As long as they hop on their broomsticks and fly back to Monaco post-haste, I'm happy; listening to Louis trying to enunciate a sentence is painful enough, but Beatrice sounds like she's talking with pins in her mouth. Someone was apparently too busy applying eyeliner to pay attention in her elocution lessons ... Off with her head!

2. Louis and the Letter
Then again, I doubt that Louis will feel so charitable if our suspicions are correct and Blair is lying -- or purposefully ignorant -- about the results of the paternity test. I couldn't quite suppress my eye-roll as yet another secret was spawned, this time between two characters I couldn't care less about (sort of how I feel about the Diana and Charlie storyline). How does Louis know Chuck's new therapist Eliza? Is her connection to both Chuck and the prince purely coincidental, or is there a conspiracy here to discover the Basstard's darkest secrets? And do we really care about any of it?

I'm voting no -- it seems inevitable that Chuck and Blair will someday, somehow work things out, and Louis won't stick around to fumble through his lines forever, so must we really prolong the inevitable for the sake of dramatic tension? I'd have been far more shocked if Louis actually confronted Blair outright over whatever he found, since that honesty would be an unexpected twist for a 'Gossip Girl' episode. Remember, two wrongs don't make a right, your highness.

3. Serena Sells Out (Again)
Oh, S., will you never learn? Just when we think you're growing up, you resort to lying and manipulation to get your way -- and then you pout when it blows up in your face. True, I don't envy the position she was put in, forced to choose between Dan and her new job, but her once-sympathetic boss has turned into a major Devil in Prada, and sooner or later Serena needs to learn that integrity is more valuable than climbing the career ladder (especially since she's always going to be known as the party girl).

If poor, boring Nate can intrinsically know that selling out your friends never ends well, why can't the Rhodes girls (real and fake) grasp that concept too? Still, a little lip-biting, a little eyelash fluttering and a declaration that Dan was "the love of her life" got Serena back into his good graces and an offer for the movie rights to 'Inside' (are you as desperate to read it as I am? Damn you, fiction within fiction!). Does this signal another rekindling of the dusty Dan and Serena romance -- and have they forgotten that they're step-siblings again? More importantly, what the frick was going on with Serena's hair? Those ends were decidedly scraggly; I'm calling fashion foul, Ms. VDW.

4. A Check-Up for Chuck
The Bass is back, and not a moment too soon. Having abandoned his depressing pity party last week, Chuck rapidly discovered that having a dog is an excellent and untapped resource for meeting women, and no sooner had he hit the park was Monkey humping the first female he saw (like master, like pet), one whose owner happened to be a psychologist. What a stroke of luck! Or a conspiracy. Even before Louis called Eliza in the episode's final moments, I was dubious of how helpful she could be, considering how much Chuck apparently wants to nail her. If she betrays him in some way, she'll be the latest in a long line of women to deepen his trust issues, and do we really need another reason for Chuck to be emotionally unavailable?

And while Dan and Nate are still on a break (and probably calling each other and hanging up seven times a night), both are relying on Chuck for their daily dose of bromance. I'm not sure if he's actually bothered by this or not, but on the plus, his banter with Nate did give him all the best lines of the night. My personal favorite: "You speak old lady -- what's my plan?"

5. Diana's Dirty Little Secret?
I'm not certain that Diana Payne would take too kindly to being called "old" by the likes of Chuck Bass, but if you're as young as the man you feel, she's found herself an ideal mate in Nate. She still expects her toyboy to compromise his morals for her (she's obviously not as adept at debauchery as she thought) but for as long as she has Chivy to do her evil bidding, she's probably content for Nate to be eye candy. Apparently nothing in the gang's personal files was exciting enough for her nefarious tabloid purposes, except for a retro photo of her, taken from Bart's stash. I can't imagine why a '90s snap is worth risking an office fire, but I'm sure we'll find out in twelve episodes or so ... She and Beatrice seem like a match made in the deepest recesses of hell, so here's hoping Gossip Girl doesn't destroy her too soon for muscling in on our scandalous territory.

'Gossip Girl' airs Mondays at 8PM ET on The CW.

How do you think Eliza and Louis know each other? Is Blair's Prince Charming about to take a decidedly unchivalrous turn? Do you think Rufus was totally immature to spend the whole episode ignoring his son's calls (but was otherwise too boring to mention)? Share your thoughts below!