Dumpster Diving Digital Cable

There is something I forgot to be thankful for at my Thanksgiving dinner last week. After being thankful for family, friends, health, abundance, etc., etc., I should have stopped and told everyone I know "Thank goodness for TV Land."

Every time I run into a TV Land marathon of one of my favorite old-time shows, I have to force myself to not whittle away the entire weekend in front of the TV. But sometimes they come in handy; a recent Night Court marathon kept me going as I worked all night trying to squelch a computer virus at work (I'm also thankful for VPNs... I was able to work from home). But they are also a good way to analyze the complete run of a classic program and reconsider  long-held impressions you may have had, usually leaving the show worse off in your estimation than before the marathon began.

I just discovered The Andy Milonakis Show, and I don't think my life will ever be the same. Andy's an overweight New York guy in his late 20s (but looks 14) who essentially alternates Tom Green-style public theater with various antics based in and around his apartment. He also raps, most hilariously in the low-rent animation-enhanced opening credits.

On the show today, he put on a beard and a black bathrobe, went down to the street and announced to passersby (in dubbed kung-fu flick monotone): "I am Karate Abraham Lincoln. I have four stomachs like a cow." Then, with a bag of potato chips in hand, he asked an old man if he "would like to brush the crumbs out of Karate Lincoln's beard?" The old man said, "No, but I will anyway." Then when he reached for Karate Lincoln's chips. he got blocked. Andy also ordered a pizza, and when the pizza man came, he burst into tears. "Andy Milonakis died a year ago," Andy wailed. "In a pizza accident." He then pulled out money, paid for the pizza, gave the delivery man the address of "Brooklyn Funeral", and asked him to deliver it there. "Give Andy his pizza!" Andy blubbered. The show is absurd and stoney and hilarious, and it's probably the best gift producer Jimmy Kimmel has ever bestowed on popular culture.

Andy Milonakis is on MTV every weeknight at 11pm (I think). Also, just like me, you and everyone we know (and, also, Me and You and Everyone We Know), Andy's got a blog, but it's almost unreadably wacky. You should just watch the show.

The other night I got home late. Like, really late. Like, I-don't-even-know-what-time-it-was-late. (I swear I wasn't out drinking. Okay, I totally was). Anyway. I turned on the TV, and damned if I'm not immediately faced with a close up of Phoebe Cates, on the diving board, fulfilling Judge Reinhold's every masturbatory fantasy. Moments later, there's an extended full-frontal shot of a young Jennifer Jason Leigh, splayed out on a couch after unsatisfactory teenage sex. Yes, Fast Times at Ridgemont High was being shown uncut, uncensored on late-night cable. Was this HBO? Cinemax? Showtime? Uh-uh - I'm too cheap for those channels. It was on Turner CLassic Movies.