Saturday Night Live is about to kick off its 34th season, and they're determined to do it with a bang. Doing a smart job of quickly pulling in America's biggest star of the summer, the show has announced that super-crazy Olympian god slash merman Michael Phelps will be hosting the premiere. It also looks like the musical guest will be Lil' Wayne, but who has time to care about that? Michael Phelps is swimming back to America and he's hosting!

"All the Gori Details": Russia and Georgia's conflict rages on, even though everyone else is playing pool games at the Olympics. President Bush and company seem to think that this sort of conflict is, like, so old. The show managed to perfectly nail Condoleezza Rice's disapproval of overthrowing government. This was kind of depressing, actually. I would have liked to see more cartoon clips of Michael Phelps swimming against Black Manta.

This particular episode of The Daily Show was super extra Chinese, but you guys get an extra layer of Chinese via this review written by me. That makes you special. The only way to push it even further would be for me to write this completely in Chinese. Consider yourselves lucky that I'm too embarrassed to write like that, as my Chinese vocabulary and syntax reads like that of a five year-old's.

"Anti-Olympic Update": Instead of using sports as a metaphor for war, Russia has been juggling the Olympics and attacks on neighbor Georgia. I can never get enough of The Daily Show's graphics department. Just check out that hardcore anti-Olympic intro with the rings of doom. Jon Stewart got a lot of applause for that "Oh, war... It's just God's way of teaching Americans geography." Does it count as stealing if the joke is super, super old and reasonably well-known already?

"Super News Blaster Breaking News Update": Reminding grumpy Republicans everywhere that the Daily Show considers the unfaithful on both sides of the aisle fair game, the show took on the latest sex scandal to rock the Hill. As it turns out, the allegations about Senator John Edwards having an affair with his former videographer were true. True! Over the weekend, I was briefly intrigued, but then found myself staring intently at her interesting fashion choices. I recall seeing her in a black top with a sequined peace sign at one point. Classy. As for me, superficial? Boy, am I!

Last month, the show talked about Iraq's Prime Minister literally giving money away on the streets. As it turns out, they can afford to do this because the country has a multi-billion dollar budget surplus. Senior Financial Expert John Oliver stopped by to talk about what the Iraqis could do with their money, apart from rolling around in it, Scrooge McDuck style. I believe he made this joke a million times better with that jaunty little bounce. John and Jon proceeded to try and push their products, Alpacas and commemorative First Lady plates, respectively. These guys really need to fight more often.