The new wave of 3-D televisions offers something for almost everyone: nausea, seizures, cramps, dizziness, muscle-twitching, disorientation and strokes.

By "almost everyone," we mean children, teenagers, pregnant women, people with a family history of epilepsy or stroke, the elderly, people with serious medical conditions and people who drink. Those are among the groups cited in a medical warning posted online by Samsung, one of the manufacturers of the new 3-D TVs.

The only way a 3D version of ESPN could be cooler is if ESPN aired some kind of awesome competition at the X-Games that involved skateboarders and sharks.

So until some stoned extreme sports team organizer invents "sharkboarding," we'll just have to settle with a three-dimensional Discovery Channel.

The network is teaming with Sony and IMAX to launch its own 3D, 24-hour channel by 2011. It doesn't say exactly what the programming will entail, but expect a lot of giant man-eating animals trying to jump out of your TV and claw their way up the food chain.

If three dimensional television is just a passing fad, then clearly no one told ESPN.

The all sports cable network will implement 3D technology with a new sports channel, set to premiere this year. The first 3D game will be the FIFA World Cup in June.

Would you watch your sports if they were in glorious 3D? If anything, it would make watching soccer tolerable.

James Cameron has a lot of money. So if he wants to throw some of it at Panasonic to help promote 3D TVs, that's his terrible decision. He shot his latest film in 3D, so he's clearly got it on his mind. And if Avatar does as well as the response to that trailer would have us believe, he may have a lot of free time soon anyway.

Speaking of time, this is about the worst time to try and thrust new television and film technology on consumers. Aren't we still in the middle of this transition to digital broadcasts, HDTV and Blu-Ray? Now you're telling us we should buy new HDTVs and new Blu-Ray players that support 3D technology? Oh, and we'll need those cool 3D glasses, too.

There's a few problems with this. 3D was going to revolutionize the movies in the '80s. It didn't happen. It's supposed to be "going to revolutionize" movies right now, but it's not happening.