AlCapone

Dear Rich,

You don't mind if I call you Rich, do you? I feel like I know you well. And it's not just because I watched you walking around naked on an island somewhere either. No, it's because you were on Survivor twice and in both those instances, you really impressed me with your game-playing. You deserved to win that first Survivor. You earned it, Richard Hatch. You outwit, outplayed and outlasted all the rest, including Sue who probably wanted to kill you.

So, now that you're out of jail -- hopefully for good -- I'm rooting for you to get your stuff together and move on with life. That means shut your mouth. Stop yapping about how the authorities are conspiring against you. Stop saying it's because you're gay.

The first thing you must do is pay the back taxes on the prize money you legitimately won. Surely, you know that's how they got Al Capone. Pay the IRS, man. Start a payment system, they'll accept that.