Alan: "So what do you think of our show going to ION, Denny?"
Denny: "Well I knew technology was making things smaller and smaller, but an ion Alan? Really?"
I missed Boston Legal this week. I hate that they don't have consistent weekly episodes--how Boston Legal just disappears for weeks to accommodate the U.S. Open or some national dog show. Because I was disappointed in missing the banter between Spader and Shatner or the rest of the absurd cast of characters, I decided to find out what's going to happen on December's episodes of Boston Legal.
Episodes will air on December 4th, 11th, and 18th (Christmas episode!) at 10 p.m. ET/PT.
(S04E03) "The heart can be a bitch." - Alan Shore
I cannot begin this review without addressing how shocked I was with the opening scene. The very idea of a fifteen year old girl who contracts HIV made my jaw drop. I was shocked that a school would teach children that abstinence is the only effective way to avoid unwanted pregnancy and STD's. When I was in school (many years ago) we were taught that while abstinence is the best way to avoid the pitfalls of teen sex, condoms are a close second, especially when it comes to avoiding disease. As a parent, it concerns me that my daughter's school might actually teach this sort of thing. Thankfully, Alan pointed out where the blame actually lies...in the lap of the U.S. government. In an effort to please the conservatives who elected them, the Republicans refuse to give schools an option that would teach teens a realistic way to have sex responsibly. I know it's only a TV show but only a fool would think this kind of thing isn't happening in some parts of the country.
(S03E24) Before I forget, I have to say that Brad's baby is adorable. Great casting. OK, now that I've got that out of the way...
This was a near perfect season finale with the firm of Crane Poole & Schmidt swinging for the fences. With Jerry and Clarence suing a casino and Denny guaranteeing a win this episode was way out of bounds. The fact that Alan had the balls to refer to himself and Denny as a comedy team was awesome.
I really appreciated seeing Denny questioning his own usefulness. Personally, I can really relate. There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to recognize that your life is not what it used to be, and to imagine other people seeing you differently than they used to can be a scary thought. As funny as it is to see him make a fool of himself, it was nice to see both Denny and Shatner putting things in perspective.
The episode was supposed to run on May 22, but ABC has instead decided to squeeze one more "very special episode" of The Bachelor titled "After The Final Rose." This means that the season finale of Boston Legal won't air until the following Tuesday, May 29, at 10pm.
Sure, I could have titled this post 'Why I'm Declaring a Mistrial on Boston Legal' or 'Case Adjourned on Boston Legal'. But, you're a smart bunch a people who aren't into the corny. So, let me be truthful for a moment and let you know why I'm no longer going to review Boston Legal.
Well, that's only one reason, but a very important one. It's going to sound like a kvetch, I know, but it is a bit tiring to review a show week after week, particularly one that airs at the end of prime-time. You have to schedule for it, watch it in a different manner then you would if you were a normal viewer, and then cull the highlights of the show into a 10-15 paragraph review. When the show you're reviewing is getting a bit dull, writing a post on it can become a chore.
And, that's where I am with Boston Legal right now.
(S03E13) Shirley Schmidt: This is getting ugly.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane ugly.
The whole Denise-Brad-Jeffrey sex plot has got to go! At first I thought it was kind of amusing. But, after three weeks of it the whole storyline has reached the tiring stage, especially if you saw the scenes from next week's show. It's like watching an episode of The O.C., except with much older people. Frankly, I really don't care who Denise is sleeping with. Hell, she could be sleeping with Paul for all that matters (that would make a much better story). It's time to get past it and have these three focus on the Legal portion of Boston Legal.
Now, with that out of the way, let's press on with this week's fairly Alan Shore-free episode.
There are many fulfilling aspects to having and raising children. For example, you get to watch them grow from these tiny beings who need constant attention to boys and girls that can walk, and talk, and develop their own personalities. You share in their triumphs and their defeats and you work with them to learn from their mistakes in order to become better people. If you're lucky, they achieve greatness in one aspect or another and end up buying you that retirement home in Maui that you have always wanted.
Then there are the aspects to having and raising children that aren't as fulfilling, like scrubbing the carpet with OxyClean at 1:30 in the morning to get out the luscious aroma of your daughter's throw-up. This is what I've been doing for the last three nights. Not with just one daughter, but with all three of my daughters: the stomach virus that hit them was quick and nasty. Luckily, my son was spared a ride on the Vomit Express (so far), which is good, since he is having surgery to clear a blocked tear duct at the same time that you're probably reading this post.
(S03E11) My penis is already packed -- Denny Crane
Ah, there you are! We haven't seen each other in over a month and I thought you wouldn't come back. But here we are, together again, for a new episode of Boston Legal which was a pretty big spotlight for James Spader as Alan Shore, guest star Nia Long, and new cast member Gary Anthony Williams as Clarence/Clarice. That, and the never-ending sexual escapades at the Boston offices of Crane, Poole and Schmidt reached a new plateau.
Let's begin in a little town known as New Orleans.
(S3E10) So, after a few murders, missing body parts, incestuous love between a mother and her son, and the kidnapping of Shirley Schmidt, we get back to the normal absurdity that is Boston Legal. This week features a custody case involving two white supremacist singing sensations, a woman who wants to sue God because her husband was struck by lightning, a pro-anorexic girl who is seeking emancipation from her mother, and Shirley in a bunny suit. In other words, just a normal couple of days at the law firm of Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
All that, plus appearances by Clarence, Bethany, Bethany's mom and Jerry (Aaaaarrrrgggghhh!) and yet another alum of Star Trek. So, let's get comfy and press ahead on the last new episode before the holiday break.
(S03E09) Suck . . . my . . . lobe. -- Shirley Schmidt
Back so soon? Gosh, it feels like I just wrote about Boston Legal two days ago.
Now that the second part of this Boston Legal 'event' (according to the network) has aired I can reveal what happened at the end of the first part. Lincoln Meyer attacked Gracie Jane in her hotel room after she ridiculed him on her television show. Then, he abducted Shirley Schmidt and took her to his 'safe-room', also known as a locked room in Lincoln's basement.
(S03E08) No, it's not Tuesday night. For some reason ABC preempted Brothers & Sisters to air the first of this two-part episode of Boston Legal. My guess for the preemption: sweeps. Though, when you come to think about it, this is the correct place to air a 'special episode' of BL. This is where the show started (in the old The Practice time slot) before it was booted to Tuesday nights by some small show named Blue's Anatomy, or Grey's Body Parts, or something like that. I wonder if that show went anywhere?
Anywhoswhatsit, in this episode we see the return of Lincoln Meyer, a fight between Jeffrey Coho and Brad Chase and the results of Denny Crane's paternity test. Oh, and we also have another appearance of a character that's beginning to get a bit tiresome. So, if the jury will be seated, we can begin the proceedings.
(S03E07) You're not getting in this dress. -- Alan Shore, dressed like one of the Lennon sisters, to Denny Crane, also dressed like a Lennon sister. Don't ask.
After last week's intense, and somewhat oogy, episode of Boston Legal, we get a palette cleanser of sorts this week as some storylines are closed and others are opened. It was also an extremely subdued episode. Even bombastic characters like Alan Shore and Denny Crane were unusually quiet this time around. It was so calm that I almost fell asleep halfway through the episode. Oh, that wasn't because the show was boring. It was more a result of traipsing out with the kiddies for a marathon trick-or-treating session.
Let's move along now, shall we?
(S03E06) Ewwwww! If you watched this week's episode of Boston Legal, then you absolutely know what I'm talking about. If you haven't watched it yet, well, let's just say the reaction is from something that happened at the end of Scott Little's trial. I'll reveal it at the end of the post. So, beware the spoiler alert!
Before we continue with Jeffrey Coho and the trial of Scott Little, I want to talk about the subplot of this week's show, which involved Alan Shore's feelings of sexual insecurity with Sally Heep (guest star Lake Bell). It had absolutely, totally no redeeming value to this week's episode. It just seemed to be filler to what the meat of the episode was about. If they had nothing better than that to fill the remaining time on the show, then they should have taken the subplot out and focused on the secondary characters. Being a fan of the show, and a fan of James Spader's Alan Shore, I was disappointed with the whole thing.
Now that I have that out of the way, let's talk about the trial.
(S03E05) Yes, I know, I'll get letters -- Alan Shore after bashing Freedom of Religion in his closing arguments.
I begin this week with a quote by attorney Claire Simms, played by Constance Zimmer . . . 'Ick, and double ick'. This nicely sums up the surprise revelation made during the Scott Little trial. It seems that Scott's dad found the young lad, um, spanking the weasel (that's the scientific term, look it up!) to a naked picture of his mother. And, it turns out that he judge who he had an affair with and then allegedly murdered.had a uncanny resemblance to mother Barbara Little.
As mentioned, ick and double ick.
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