Note to self: if I ever have the honor of making a guest appearance on The Daily Show, do not, repeat, DO NOT CANCEL.

I don't care if my flight to LaGuardia has a ton of water that can be dumped by pushing a button and it's flying over my mother's house, which is on fire. That would be probably waste fuel and, therefore, 12 seconds of flight time.

Sorry, mom, but if that's the case, it's either lose your home or your oldest son. And stop taking so long to make up your mind.