Did you see Paris Hilton on Larry King Live last night? Here's the transcript. Jeez, she really did nothing to help her cause, eh? She seems honestly, sincerely, and deeply clueless. And as a guy, I don't even find her hot or appealing. She has the personality of a wicker chair. I found all of her talk about wanting to help people and learning her lesson and "reading the Bible" completely unconvincing.

After the jump is a roundup of what the internet is saying today about her appearance.

Several weeks ago, Senator Hillary Clinton asked the public to help her come up with a theme song for her presidential campaign. And then The Sopranos ended its historic run. And it was too much of a good opportunity to pass up.

So Hillary and hubby Bill made a video for her web site discussing what song the Senator had selected. Only the video is a parody of the Sopranos' last scene in the diner, with Hillary as Carmela, Bill as Tony, Chelsea as the parallel parking Meadow, a bowl of carrot sticks substituting for onion rings (Bill's got heart problems) and an abrupt cut-to-black.

See the video after the jump. (And if you have a burning desire to find out what campaign song Clinton chose, you can go here.)

[Via Gawker.]

I thought there was something fishy about this David Hasselhoff drunk tape nonsense. It smelled of publicity to me, though why anyone would want to be filmed drunk and slobbering over a cheeseburger and potentially hurt his relations with his family is a mystery.

But guess what? The Hoff has an autobiography coming out May 15! I'm sure it's just a coincidence though.

The title, by the way, is Don't HassleThe Hoff. Jeez, it's one thing for others to call you "The Hoff," but calling yourself that? The book has a lot of (supposedly) juicy details, including Hasselhoff's revelation that he knows that Baywatch was a sexist show. The above link includes an excerpt from the book.

Here's something from the "I'd take that job as only a last resort" category: Star Jones is looking for an executive producer for her Court TV show.

While the position has all of the usual requirements for an executive producer gig, including the management of talent and staff, several years experience, and a big list of contacts, it also says that whoever gets the job will have to "oversee administrative functions like human resource issues, deal with Turner's legal department when necessary, and supervise budget allocations." Wow, doesn't that sound like fun?

But you're going to be working with Star Jones, which basically means puppies and rainbows all day, so if you want to apply for the job click on the link above.

[via Gawker]

• Hey, if Heather Mills can go on Dancing With The Stars with a fake leg, then how about Marlee Matlin or maybe the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard?
• Will Brothers & Sisters star Calista Flockhart star in the next Indiana Jones pic with boyfriend Harrison Ford?
• Katie Couric says she doesn't obsess over ratings (though I wonder if her CBS bosses do).
• MTV plans to build thousands of websites around the world, and all of them will feature video of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge playing nonstop.
• A man falls asleep in the Mary Tyler Moore Show house in Minneapolis.
• Are the American Idol judges clueless when it comes to music?
• And finally, video of Lucy Lawless as Stevie Nicks, promoting her fajita-themed restaurant.

I promised myself - promised, promised, promised - that I wouldn't write another story about Anna Nicole Smith. But then I saw this video, and I had to post this. If it stops just one person from watching another second of Entertainment Tonight, then this post is worth it.

The video is from Entertainment Tonight, who had EXCLUSIVE! access to the funeral in the Bahamas (*cough* $$$$$ *cough*), and while we get all of the expected weeping and slow motion and doves being released, we also see various friends and relatives of Anna Nicole taking a shovel and grabbing dirt out of the back of a wheelbarrow. I'm sure this is done at funerals, but it just seems odd to have everyone at the funeral grab the shovel and join in. After a while it seems like less a tribute than just doing some maintenance work at the cemetery.

Pay special attention to the job Anna Nicole's mom does.

• How the death of Ed Bradley has affected the cast and crew of 60 Minutes.
• TV Barn's Aaron Barnhart has a review of Fark TV.
• For some reason, Universal is going to make a movie out of MTV lip-synchers Milli Vanilli.
• Yes, Jennifer and Courteney are going to kiss on Dirt, but there won't be any tongue.
• HBO has opened a store in NYC. It's pink and features a giant image of Sarah Jessica Parker.
• Paul Davidson presents the American Idol Construction Kit.
• Is Scrubs turning into Desperate Housewives?

Sometimes a celebrity will (supposedly) leave his or her comments on a web site, but you're never quite sure if it's really them or just someone impersonating them. But comedian David Cross is online a lot and when he leaves a comment you know it's him. Case in point, this comment left after a SFist review of a recent gig in San Francisco.

You can read the review, but to summarize: the reviewer loved Cross' stuff on Mr. Show and Arrested Development, but she couldn't take his jokes about Mormons (and on Martin Luther King Day too!). Cross doesn't just leave a snide comment or a quick, expletive-filled putdown, he actually goes on at length about the review, how the show was really perceived by the audience (and he has it on tape to prove it), and tries to explain the comedy he was trying to do at the show. Now, it's never good to "explain" your comedy, but what else is someone supposed to do when they are basically called a bigot?

[via Gawker]