"Do you feel like a story?" David Letterman asked his viewers during the Oct. 1 episode of 'The Late Show.' What started off sounding like a benign comedy bit slowly developed into a 10-minute confession, a tale of extortion and illicit sex few of Dave's fans could have imagined, a lurid true story that was one of the most riveting moments on television during this or any other year.

You knew that after a weekend of blackmail scandal news and tabloid stories, David Letterman wasn't going to open his show on Monday just telling jokes about Chicago losing the Olympics. In fact, he started off the proceedings with a bang, asking the audience, "Did your weekend just fly by?"

Then he proceeded telling some pretty funny jokes about the scandal; he spent the weekend "raking my hate mail," that it was "chilly outside the house and chilly inside the house," and that the next phase is to go on Oprah and sob. He even acknowledged his odd comedic predicament by trailing off on jokes about Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford and Eliot Spitzer, realizing that he's not in the position to poke fun at those folks.

But then, after the break, he sincerely apologized to his staff for putting them through this mess, and said he had a lot of work to do to repair things with his wife, Regina Lasko. It was at that moment (video below) that I realized that Dave needs to stop talking about this mess... immediately:

In the wayback days of my entertainment journalism career (2004, to be precise), I had written a few poorly-executed but fun articles for a wonderful little site called Knot Magazine (not to be confused with The Knot, a website which I'm unfortunately all too familiar with these days). After publishing a couple of my missives, the editor had an idea for me: why not interview that spunky assistant Dave Letterman has on his show?

Sounded like a cool idea. It's not like Stephane Birkitt hadn't been interviewed before; she had spoken to a couple of papers from her alma mater and her hometown, and seemed approachable. And it would have been a fun story to try to figure out how she went from anonymous assistant to the girl who talked about her weekend on the phone to the on-stage presence Dave often called "Vicki." How hard could it be to get an interview?

Almost impossible, I found out.

So just who had the unbelievably huge Mammoth balls to extort late night legend David Letterman? You're looking at him, not his balls thankfully.

Robert "Joe" Halderman, pictured at the right sitting in his unholy beach chair of evil, is the man the Manhattan District Attorney's Office brought extortion charges against for trying to score more than $2 million from Letterman as part of a blackmail plot.

Letterman admitted on the air that he had a sexual encounter or encounters with members of his staff, and that Halderman used the info he had on those encounters as leverage to extort money from him. I've got three to one odds that the "Fire David Letterman" club awards Halderman their "Humanitarian of the Year Award."

According to New York City's Department of Correction records, Halderman received a felony count of attempted grand larceny. He entered a not-guilty plea at his arraignment.