Conan O'Brien's 'Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television' Tour might be a once-in-a-lifetime event, but that doesn't mean it isn't bound by the laws of concert tours.

Those are the unspoken laws of live entertainment physics that affect every staged entertainment venue across the globe. And just like actual physics, they are cruel mistresses with no pity for people who dare to challenge them or go outside their boundaries of motion, inertia and box office receipts.

For decades, the Tony Awards have been the pinnacle of American theater, bringing attention to and bestowing praise upon some of the most talented and classiest performers of the stage. Beloved composer Stephen Sondheim. Legendary choreographer Bob Fosse. And, of course, the Masturbating Bear.

Actually, scratch that last one.

Yes, according to Entertainment Weekly, representatives for Conan O'Brien have announced that the lanky comedian has decided not to host the Tony Awards. Rumors had surfaced over the weekend that CBS, which airs the show, had contacted O'Brien regarding the emcee position, which last year was ably handled by Neil Patrick Harris.

Conan O'Brien's final Late Night ended on a bold note, one that didn't involve animals doing things that would get humans arrested or Abe Vigoda being the best damn Abe Vigoda he can be. In fact, the only way it was remotely funny is if you are one of those douchebags who heckles a comic for building a serious moment or still thinks yelling "Do 'Freebird'!" in between songs at a concert is funny. You know who you are.

It was a serious and heartfelt moment for a show that some naysayers claim is already too silly and asinine for its audience. He put these stuck-up snobs in their rightful place and taught all who watched an important lesson about being true to yourself, especially in the face of those who say it's a big mistake.

And this from a show that features a bear that masturbates on cue. Suck on that, Hallmark Channel.

The last week ever of Late Night with Conan O'Brien was bound to include a few shockers. And while I'm still hoping that one of them won't be the failure to launch of Andy Richter's homecoming, another bigger staple came to an end and was probably followed by a long nap and an anthill of shame and loneliness.

Conan held a going away sketch for one of the show's most popular and least marketable characters, the Masturbating Bear.

If you haven't seen this infamous character "in action," feel yourself (not that way sicko) among the fortunate because it's one of the most hilarious and personally shameful moments you will ever experience in your life. Greater even than your prom, your cousin's drunken wedding and your first college beer party where you woke up with one less eyebrow combined.