On the ninth day of Festivus, TV gave to me... nine on-air breakdowns.

Director Alfred Hitchcock once said, "Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it."

Yes, having a camera stuck in your face for an hour or more a day must take a toll on your sanity. Your privacy is virtually limited. Your every move is scrutinized and criticized by faceless meanies. Your therapist is one session away from owning his own fishing trawler.

It's only a matter of time before the grasp of sanity is clipped away like a loose thread on a homemade snowman sweater and you turn into a blubbering, snotty, incoherent mess for all the world to enjoy. These are the personalities who lost it and may or may not have gained whatever "it" is back.

Note to self: if I ever have the honor of making a guest appearance on The Daily Show, do not, repeat, DO NOT CANCEL.

I don't care if my flight to LaGuardia has a ton of water that can be dumped by pushing a button and it's flying over my mother's house, which is on fire. That would be probably waste fuel and, therefore, 12 seconds of flight time.

Sorry, mom, but if that's the case, it's either lose your home or your oldest son. And stop taking so long to make up your mind.