Tuesday's Daily Show with Jon Stewart brought a pressing and shocking concern to my eyes, something the American people as a whole have largely ignored: the ridiculous ad for the Shake Weight.

Most exercise infomercials are already crazy and unintentionally hilarious in and of themselves, but this ad deserves the Mark Twain Prize.

Morning news shows are a goldmine of cringe-inducing moments and epic fail goodness. The title alone makes me laugh because only half of it is accurate due to the fact that it airs in the morning.

By far the unintentionally funniest show is that morning cup of crazy on Fox News, Fox and Friends. They truly cover news stories that no one else does as their on-air promos suggest because no one in their right mind would consider it news. I'm finally starting to understand Walter Cronkite's distrust of the 24-hour news network model: you'll call anything news to fill time.

Hosts Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade actually took President Barack Obama to task for ordering a Budweiser instead of an American-brewed beer during his recent "Beer Summit" with Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley.

A lot of memories have surfaced of the good times that pop icon and musical genius Michael Jackson provided the world in the wake of his untimely and unfortunate death. However, an elephant in the room has wedged its wide butt in between the happy memories that range from "Billy Jean" to "Rockin' Robin," other than the eye-bleedingly bad Moonwalker movie.

Jackson's life outside of the recording studio and in the blood-soaked pages of the supermarket tabloids provided a lot of fodder for comedies and comedians that turned the man into a punchline just as fast as the radio waves turned him into a legend.

All of you right-wingers who thought that The Daily Show was going to become just another tool in a liberal executive branch's belt should take note of the following story.

And if having to read a newspaper other than The Washington Times, The New York Post or The Daily American Patriot Commie Basher makes your eyes bleed, grab your Visine and suck it up. You need to read this.

An attorney for the state said the Obama administration did not want to release detail of an interview with former VP Dick Cheney regarding the Valerie Plame leak because of fears that "it's going to end up on The Daily Show."

Uber-humorist John Hodgman has a wit that hasn't been seen since the likes of Robert Benchley. His uncanny ability to turn his know-it-all prowess and droll delivery into brilliant comedy deserves scientific study.

I'm not saying he needs a complete autopsy. Maybe just a little exploratory brain surgery that doesn't do any permanent damage to the neurons and synapses that allow him to conjure long lists of hobo names and an incredibly detailed history of the American lobster. Trust me, there is a hilarious global warming cure in that noggin somewhere.

So after watching his brilliant and funny performance at the White House Radio and Television Correspondence Dinner (Speaking of which, didn't we just have one? How many of these damn dinners do they need? Are television reporters experiencing a major shortage of grilled chicken?), a lingering but obvious thought occurred. Why does this man not have his own television show?

Note to self: if I ever have the honor of making a guest appearance on The Daily Show, do not, repeat, DO NOT CANCEL.

I don't care if my flight to LaGuardia has a ton of water that can be dumped by pushing a button and it's flying over my mother's house, which is on fire. That would be probably waste fuel and, therefore, 12 seconds of flight time.

Sorry, mom, but if that's the case, it's either lose your home or your oldest son. And stop taking so long to make up your mind.

If you asked the average TV watcher what celebrity makes the funniest late night interviews, news anchors would probably be the furthest answer from their minds. It would also just be after physicists, felons convicted of violent crimes and Joaquin Phoenix.

Lately, however, one dedicated newsman has become the most entertaining guest on the late night talk show circuit with the kind of timing, humor and comedic gravitas that even some so-called "professional" comedians have trouble displaying. It could with the greatest of ease turn his own news program into the most hilarious show on television, if the news he reported didn't make us want to jab a corkscrew in our eyes.

That man is NBC's Brian Williams.

If you're anything like me (first of all, you have my deepest sympathy), you haven't been able to sit still since The Daily Show and The Colbert Report went off the air for the holidays. It also may be because my body has absorbed more sugary fat from the holidays than one of Tyler Durden's homemade soaps.

Both shows returned to the airwaves Monday with new episodes. Both also had cable news celebrity cameos so big, no lightning fast news ticker announcing an accidental nuclear missile launch could draw your attention away from them.

The Daily Show returned with another appearance by CNN's gray-haired uber-anchor Anderson Cooper and an interesting interview with new Meet the Press moderator David Gregory. The Colbert Report picked up former Hannity and Colmes pushover Alan Colmes and wound things up with an interview with CNN reporter John King.

This is my first Festivus. So I hope you can allow me to be a little more wide-eyed and naive, much like the small child who believes a large fat man can break the space-time continuum to bring him presents on Christmas morning.

My wishes are very simple. I want peace and happiness throughout the universe. I also want the entire movie and television industry to heed my warnings and follow my commands as if they have been written on stone tablets with a giant fiery pen from God's stationary set. I also want an army of obedient zombie knights to enforce these commands, and clean up my house, say around once a week.