big brother 8 recap

(S08E17) The stress level was so high in the first 30 minutes of tonight's show that I could physically feel an ulcer forming in the lining of my stomach.

I'm all for conflict in Big Brother. In fact, I probably wouldn't even watch this show if it didn't exist, but we're 16 episodes into the season and I've about hit my saturation point.

Sure, Dick has a tendency to be spot on with his comments while he's belittling the likes of Dustin, Amber, and Eric, but it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable to watch or any less trying on the mind.

(S08E16) So, does anyone want to go halfsies with me and purchase a life insurance policy on Amber's daughter?

Heaven forbid anything happen to her, but as much as Amber swears on her life, it's inevitable that someday her daughter will casually go walking down the street on a cloudless day and get struck by a rogue bolt of lightning - mark my words.

Seriously though, what does swearing on your child's life actually mean in the context of a game like Big Brother? I have a daughter, and I'd swear on her life 1000 times a day if it brought me closer to a $500K prize, mostly because that money would end bettering the life of the daughter I kept swearing on.

(S08E15) I'm done with Dick Denato. I used to find his abrasive manner to be appealing because he brought a refreshing level of truthfulness and candor to a reality television show dependent on acts of lies and deception. It was a bold strategy that I respected and it really seemed to be working for him.

Unfortunately, after his actions in the last few episodes, I've finally come to realize that the way Dick is playing Big Brother isn't some well conceived strategy. Simply put, Dick is an asshole. It's the only way he knows how to be it's the only attribute he knows how to emote.

(S08E14) In case you can't make it out in the screencap above, the banner reads, "We heart Nick! Amber & Eric are liars. LNC (late night crew) is the nerd herd."

This banner flew across the sky during the HoH competition and caused quite a bit of commotion among the house guests in tonight's episode.

In all honesty, I'm absolutely flabbergasted by this turn of events and in a way it really pisses me off. How pathetic do you have to be to go through the trouble of hiring a biplane to try and influence the results of a reality show?

(S08E13) I'm disappointed that Nick was evicted from the Big Brother house tonight.

I was really hoping he'd stick around a while longer so we could witness his imminent transformation into Robert Deniro's character in Taxi Driver.

He only made it as far as the mohawk, but given enough time, I could have totally seen him plummeting out of control thanks to a growing contempt for the corrupt lowlifes residing in the Big Brother dwellings with him.

Couple that with his utter inability to take his relationship with Daniele to a higher plain, and it's easy to see that Nick was on a downward spiral that probably would have concluded with him massacring everyone in the house while they slept.

(S08E12) Remember a few weeks ago when Eric squirted mustard all over Jen's tank top? Something struck me about Dustin during that sequence while the house guests were trying to determine who the condiment arsonist was.

Dustin was the only person who put some brain power into the case and deduced that the mustard had to come out of the pantry because the bottle in the fridge was still factory sealed.

While his Encyclopedia Brown sleuthing didn't end up nabbing the culprit, it did get me thinking, "Look at the brains on Dustin. He's going to end up being a good strategist in the Big Brother house and an entertaining player to watch."

Of course, my opinion changed at two critical junctures in tonight's episode.

(S08E11) I don't think I can bear to witness another one of those painfully awkward conversations between Dick and Daniele.

Tonight's version started out with Dick reaching out to his daughter, escalated to Daniele yelling about how frustrated she was, and ended with a sad little tear dripping off the end of Dick's nose along with a promise that things would be fixed.

I'm all for the two of them reconciling their differences and moving forward as a family, I've simply grown tired of watching it play out on Big Brother.

(S08E10) If I was Daniele's live-in boyfriend, and I was at home watching this season of Big Brother, there's a 100% chance I'd be shooting some heroin directly into my left atrium right about now in an effort to kill the pain.

While Danielle hasn't actually done anything too serious with Nick yet - at least as far as I can tell since I don't partake in the live-feed - she does openly flirt with him, she occasionally shares a bed with him, and she whispers things like, "I've been wanting to kiss you all day," before ducking under the covers and making sweet sinful noises with him.

It also didn't help that Evel Dick said "Nick was in the Major Leagues while Kris was still in training camp." That line had to sting a little.

(S08E09) If I were going to compile a list of three things I didn't need to see during this season of Big Brother, it would probably look a little something like this:

1. Zach racing through the courtyard in the buff.
2. Dustin prancing around comfortably in a red unitard.
3. A close up of scrawny little Eric concentrating as fluorescent lights glimmered from his nipple rings.

As luck would have it, I got to see all three of these things tonight and actually had to watch Zach streak in slow motion on my TiVo to get the appropriate screen capture for this post. I can honestly say that I will never be the same.

(S08E07) Somewhere along the way, Big Brother's Julie Chen got stuck with the nickname "Chenbot".

I figured the term of endearment came from her steely cold gaze, her stoic, apathetic delivery, or maybe even those stiff, robotic movements she performs that make bronze sculptures absolutely limber by comparison.

Turns out I missed the most obvious reason. She's actually a robot running on Windows ME.

During tonight's HOH Competition, there was a sequence where the Chenbot ran out of RAM. She was stuck there motionless for a noticeable period of time, yet she was still talking to the contestants.

A swift change of cameras by a quick thinking producer and a ctrl + alt + delete later - she was good as new. Video proof after the jump.

(S08E06) I know Amber's formal title is "Cocktail Waitress", but I'm thinking about writing the producers of Big Brother and seeing if we can't get that permanently changed to "Professional Crying Champion of the Universe."

I mean, seriously, have we made it through a single episode without her showcasing the puffy, reddened, "someone just kicked my puppy off of a bridge" face?

I'm surprised she doesn't walk around the house in a constant state of dehydration considering she loses about a quarter of her body weight in water each day through her overextended tear ducts.

(S08E05) In the screen capture above, it'd be easy to think Dick is being censored by Big Brother as he spits out an acerbic tirade filled with F-bombs. That's not the case. Dick actually just chewed off his own tongue in disgust because he bleeping bleeps the bleep out of Jen.

Okay, he didn't really chew off his tongue, but after this episode it's not hard to imagine that Jen could really set off that kind of rage inside the evil one.

Need proof? Here's a sampling of some of the pleasant things Dick had to say about Jen this week. Parents may not want to let the kiddies follow the jump...

(S08E04) Carol, the walking Ambien prescription, always seemed like a strange candidate to be on a reality show. Especially a show like Big Brother that is so dependent on interesting personalities to keep the viewing audience engaged

Four full episodes have aired, and I can't think of a single memorable thing she did the entire time she was there. I've seen cloud formations that have captured my attention more effectively, and that's taking into account the fact that Carol was one of the more attractive girls in the house.

I can't think of a single time she showed any real passion for being on the show, and her attempts at campaigning to not be voted off seemed halfhearted at best.

(S08E03) I think Jen conveniently forgot the letters "ly Insane" from her shirt on the screen capture above. We're barely three episodes into the season and she's already registering off the charts on a scale from 1 to crazy.

She must have thought her psychotic breakdown regarding her ugly photo wasn't enough. She decided to completely outdo herself tonight with the "Nick tried to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him" debacle.

This was cringe inducing television at its finest people. To be caught in a lie is awkward enough. To be caught in a lie while millions of people are watching you on national television? That would seriously make me consider taking a few shots of lemon scented Ammonia.

(S08E02) Let's talk about this America's Player thing for a moment. While I find it to be a pretty interesting concept, I wasn't entirely sure how well it would be executed.

Tonight we got an idea when the Chenbot revealed that the viewing audience would pick which contestant Eric would reveal a fictitious sob story to.

I'm not impressed. In fact, I think we're off to a pretty lame start.