bush

"Foley Erect" (unsurprisingly, that garnered a lot of groans from the audience): Mark Foley's a sick, sick bastard and the media had no trouble thinking up ways to make him seem like a sick, sick, sick bastard. That one-handed typing business was pretty gross. Ugh. I probably would have laughed a little harder at the "Nudge, Nudge" clip (actually, I was wearing my Monty Python t-shirt while watching TDS... yes, I have a Monty Python shirt) if I hadn't been twisting uncomfortably in my seat. Ughh. Foley. Gross. I even made the mistake of reading his instant messaging conversation, out of sheer morbid curiosity. Stupid thing to do. Kind of wanted to throw up afterward.

A spinach recall is fair reason to do jokes about tossing salads. "Call some friends over, have some drinks, and toss each other's salads!" It's a matter of safety, people.

"Papa Don't Preach": Jon did some nice coverage about the Pope's comments (and apology) regarding Islam. I'm going to have to try "I was just quoting a Byzantine emperor!" excuse some time in the near future. Senior Vatican City and San Marino Correspondent John Oliver elaborated on the situation. I thought the comparison of the popes to all the various James Bonds was fantastic.

Jon Stewart and the gang returned after a two-week break (riding high from his two Emmy wins, I suppose). "We wanted to come back on a day that felt, y'know, funny." Of course, the first news was regarding the controversy over the inaccuracies of ABC's 9/11 mini-series, "because, as you know, nothing is typically more accurate than a made-for-television movie." I loved the montage of Bush's Stages of Grief (denial, anger, anger, anger, Hanukkah, acceptance, denial).

Jon Stewart quickly mentioned the night's guest, Matt Dillon, saying that he was only coming on the show because he was "doing it for Johnny!" The audience didn't really respond, so Jon joked about how old he was to remember The Outsiders. Aww. I remember The Outsiders. It had a pre-crazy Tom Cruise! And I totally played the most awesome greaser girl in my 8th grade stage version of the book (too tough to be a Soc chick, baby).

"A Current Affair": NYC Mayor Bloomberg tried to calm the masses in Queens after Con Ed failed to finish repairs. Bloomberg praised Con Ed for what they had done so far, and the guy behind him was all like, "OMGwhutever." Ahh, that made me giggle. Nice poker face. This led to Jon's Camera Three talk, calling for the use of alternative energy sources. In fact, Camera 3 was an Eco-Camera 3000... Of course, it died halfway through Jon's speech. I like the steam-powered iPod they showed. I was going to make a "hot pocket" joke right here but I've decided against it. I'm lame enough as it is.

March Madness is still running rampant and Jon has been doing less than well... He lost so much money that he has been banned from watching any more college basketball. With basketball on the mind, I thought Jon said that the interview for the episode was going to be Michael Jordan... but it was Michael Gordon. Oh well.

It's the TV Squad Presidents' Day Blow Out Sale! Everything must go! We've got a warehouse full of lava lampshades, knee whitening kits, puppy dehydrators, hand-knitted welding masks, helium-powered baby goggles, and aisle after aisle of Mrs. Picklebutton's Homemade Mayonnaise-Flavored Waffle Syrup. Did I mention free giraffe rides for senior citizens? 

Anyway, I listed five of my favorite television appearances by presidents in puppet or animated form. Hail to the chief and all that. If you think of others, please share. Taft would have wanted it that way.

Welcome to The Daily Show! Jon Stewart starts off by mentioning that AMC Entertainment Inc. and Loew's Cineplex Entertainment Corp. plan to merge. He then sings in a squeaky, broken voice, "Thank you for merging with Loew's... Sit back and releax, enjoy the increased stock price".

Yesterday, President Bush met with some leaders of European Union. Many wondered if a two hour lunch meeting would be enough to discuss all the important issues. Throughout the following meet with the press, Bush listed many, many, many issues that were covered during that short period of time. Stewart explains that the reason why this was possible was because the average time was 12 seconds per issue. Anyway, this press conference, Bush insisted that the meeting with Luxembourg Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker and European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso was very pleasant. "I wanted to call you a piece of work but that might not translate too well," Bush said of Juncker. The awkwardness continued.

Let the viewer beware: President Bush said today that his administration's practice of sending packaged news stories to local television stations was legal and he had no plans to stop doing it. The Government Accountability Office, an arm of Congress, has deemed the packages a form of covert propaganda, and said this ran counter to appropriation laws and was a misuse of federal funds.

Bush cited a Justice Department opinion that disagreed with the GAO: "There is a Justice Department opinion that says these -- these pieces -- are within the law, so long as they're based upon facts, not advocacy," the president told a news conference.

Of course, this is the same Justice Department that says torture is okay, and if you've been watching 24 this season, you see how well that's been working.