Dear Kevin,

I've recently read on VH1's blog that you were going to be on Celebrity Fit Club. I have a problem with this: you are not a celebrity. Sure VH1 may stretch the definition of "Celebrity," but having a resume that includes backup dancer and being on WWE doesn't suffice. I don't care if you were married to Britney Spears; you're not married to your meal ticket anymore.

I've recently Googled pictures of you and boy did you let yourself go. Maybe you should stop drinking beer. You shouldn't be on Celebrity Fit Club, you need to be on The Biggest Loser. Not only does the title fit you better, you need a smack down from Jillian Michaels.

You won't believe what I overheard in the bathroom at Hyde the other night. I was mixing my Strawberry Quik together with a half ounce of the white stuff - pure as the driven snow - when The Animal comes in and announces that she's making another TV show. Alright, that's how I imagine rumors get started in LA. The way they actually get started is some production company (or prankster) posts a Craigslist ad, and it gets picked up by Perez Hilton. That's how word got out that Britney may be looking to film a reality show for MTV. I personally don't believe a word of it, but you can read the ad for yourself at the Gossip Gangsta's site.

K-Fed's looking to make a second outing in the world of reality television with the help of House of Carters' executive producer Kenneth Crear. Crear reported to Us Magazine, "We are in talks about this. Kevin came to me because he liked the way I shot the House of Carters series and the way I made Nick Carter look real and trustworthy. I gave people a different perspective of him and made people really respect him." Kevin feels that the fast track to post-Brit respectability will come from reality television. You can't make this stuff up.

K-Fed is in negotiations to shoot eight episodes over a three month period. Kevin has said he won't be hating on Britney in the show, which is, of course, focused on him. That's ok. Britney's doing a fine job shaming herself in the post-Federline years all by her pantyless lonesome.

Related:
K-Fed discovers personal hygiene
K-Fed blinded by science
K-Fed ponders stripping

Poor Kevin Federline can't catch a break. His new rap single, PopoZao, is being trashed by music critics. Entertainment Weekly said it was worse than expected and Billboard calls it "a monument to mediocrity." The song has Brazilian stylings and, although it's three minutes long, K-Fed only raps for one minute, in which he explains what 'PopoZao' means. He raps, "In Portuguese, it means bring your ass." Niiiice. The rest of the song is just him whooping and grunting. You can see (and hear) K-Fed rockin' out to his new single here.

Maybe all that bad karma that is catching up with K-Fed. You know... leaving your girlfriend when she's seven months pregnant with your second child, and mooching off your rich wife. His crap single could be payment for all that.

Mr. Blackwell, the be-all and end-all of fashion, has some mean things to say about a lot of ladies who work in television. Topping his Worst Dressed list this year is Britney Spears, and if you see her outfit while shopping in Las Vegas recently, you'll understand why. Blackwell says, in his unusual alliteration-meets-Dr. Seuss speak, "From Princess of Pop to the ultimate Fashion Flop!" I wonder what it would be like to actually talk to this Mr. Blackwell in person?

Here's the entire Worst Dressed list, along with Mr. Blackwell's snarky comments and exclamation marks:

Best:

5. CBS Sunday Morning  If you don't watch this, you should. It's old-school television news at its best with in-depth news stories, and lots and lots about the arts. Plus, the original "moment of zen" at the end.
4. The Daily Show  A good way to blow off steam when the news of the day is really getting you down.
3. The Office  This show really came into its own this season, and I just adore all the characters.
2. My Name is Earl  Always good for a one-liner.
1. Lost  They mess with our heads. And we like it!

Worst:

5. Night Stalker  I couldn't even stomach the first episode of this new show. Sad, because I had such high hopes for it.
4. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition  Too much showmanship, fabricated content (i.e., who can we get to build this house?), and way too much product placement.
3. Britney & Kevin: Chaotic  Quite possibly the most useless piece of crap to air this year.
2. Desperate Housewives  That's right. I can't stand this show. Too many open plotlines that don't interest me at all.
1. Saturday Night Live  It hasn't been funny in years. Except for that Narnia rap everyone is talking about.

I saw the episode of Chaotic where Britney talked about having sex with Kevin, made out with Kevin, and got drunk with Kevin. So, Kevin and Britney making a sex tape doesn't sound that far-fetched to me. It didn't sound far-fetched to US Weekly, either, when it printed the story, Brit & Kev: Secret Sex Tape? New parents have a new worry: racy footage from 2004. The story cited a reliable source, saying that some of Britney's entourage threatened to release the tape to the public. It said Brit and K-Fed told their lawyers about the threat and even watched the tape with their lawyers. Britney is suing US Weekly, which ran the story in October. She says there's no X-rated tape, no threat, and no viewing with lawyers, y'all! Britney and K-Fed filed a $10 million lawsuit in Los Angeles this week. Her lawyer says she finally filed a lawsuit against the tabloid because she's fed up with all the false stories it prints about her.