covergirl

We're more than a month away from the cycle 10 premiere of America's Next Top Model, but it's never too early to get a little taste of what the next season will bring, right?

Of course not, and that's why I'm thankful The CW was kind enough to release the names of this cycles 14 finalists and a sparse number of details about the season.

Click onward to get a brief glimpse of the 14 catty women who will bite, claw, and accost their way to a $100,000 modeling deal with CoverGirl and a six-page fashion spread in Seventeen magazine.

(S09E13) If I were going to pick one word to express my feelings about the season finale of America's Next Top Model I'd probably have to go with "disappointed".

For starters, Heather is arguably one of the most popular contestants to participate in one of these modeling competitions. I think it's a travesty that she didn't make it to the final three based solely on this popularity.

I'm convinced there needs to be some sort of fan element to this contest that extends beyond the generic "America's CoverGirl of the week" shtick we see every week that doesn't really amount to anything more than a pat on the back.

%Gallery-9875%

(S09E11) I don't even feel like it's a modeling competition anymore. I feel like it's a personality competition and that pisses me off cause it's like, I'm killing it. - Jenah

Has Jenah been popping obnoxious pills when the cameras aren't filming? Have countless days without nicotine finally gotten the best of her brain? Where did this cocky little person come from? I'm really not sure, but I do know she not acting like the same relatively well-mannered girl I came to know and love this cycle and that's a real shame because she was a shoe in to make it to the finals of this thing.

Her interaction with Nigel was irritating, her quote from above was grating, and her comment later in the show about how well she would do if she had Heather's dress made me want to strangle her.

%Gallery-9875%

(S09E10) It's a brand new leg of the competition and the girls have a whole new set of challenges to face if they want to prove themselves worthy of the crown of America's Next Top Model.

Want to know what hasn't changed? Bianca and Saleisha's continued mistreatment of "the corpse bride."

I guess it was a little naive of me to think that a journey halfway around the globe would alter the way Bianca and Saleisha treat Heather, but a part of me thought that the change in scenery could potentialy temper their disdain for the girl.

%Gallery-9875%

(S09E09) Although the screencap above may lead you to believe Heather's parents forgot to get her the Tetanus vaccination when she was a toddler, that's actually not the case.

What Heather is suffering from is much worse than a simple case of lockjaw and I imagine it can cause an equal amount of embarrassment, humiliation, and discomfort.

She doesn't have TMJ, she's not addicted to making the "O Face" at inopportune times, and she's not battling a bizarre compulsion to consume every gnat that flies within a 12 inch radius of her head - which is kind of a shame because that would be really funny.

%Gallery-9875%

(S09E08) This was the best episode of America's Next Top Model ever and I'm not just saying that because it featured beautiful girls in skin tight body suits who simulated stripper moves against a mirror and crawled seductively on all fours...

Who am I kidding? That is exactly why this was the best episode in the history of the show, and the only thing I find unfortunate is that it took nine and a half cycles to attain this level of perfection.

Between the flesh-toned body suits and the piece-part outfits the models wore during the video shoot, I was actually fearful that my eyes might pop out of their sockets and roll towards the television set just so they could get a better look.

%Gallery-9875%

(S09E02) After 3,400 or so votes in last weeks poll the results are in, and a majority of you think Heather is going to win this competition. Chantal and Lisa were in second and third place respectively followed closely by Victoria in fourth. Sadly, Janet (my pick) is sitting in fifth place.

After watching tonight's episode, I'm willing to let you all change your mind on the whole Heather thing. Don't get me wrong, I think Heather is an attractive girl and she took a stunning photo in tonight's episode. Despite that, do you really see her as a CoverGirl spokeswoman?

(S09E01) Four years, eight cycles, and countless eating disorders ago, America's Next Top Model premiered to great fanfare on the channel formerly known as UPN.

Cycle 9 premiered tonight on The CW, and although it hasn't changed all that much in eight iterations, the series doesn't seem to be showing any real signs of its age.

Aside from it being a viable excuse for me to watch 13 semi-attractive girls strut around in skimpy clothing, what is it about this show that keeps me ravenous for more? A simple answer awaits you if you'd kindly follow the jump.

Are you high fashion?

Do you find yourself practicing your catwalk as you sashay to the fax machine at work? Do you have an unexplained loss of appetite and find yourself attracted to people with prominent foreheads? Do you spend hours in front of your mirror making "fierce" faces?

Have no fear! You're not going crazy. You're just experiencing America's Next Top Model withdraw. Don't worry because the following should give you a good fix until the ninth-cycle premieres on Wednesday, September 19 on The CW.

(S08E11) It seems like only yesterday I began using this space to relentlessly make fun of 13 want-to-be models, and now we find ourselves already down to the final four. I feel a sad, little tear forming in the corner of my eye.

If Brittany were here, she'd probably cry with me.

Four remain. Which one of the girls will become America's Next Top Model?

(S08E09) The CoverGirl commercial is inevitably the Hindenburg of every America's Next Top Model cycle.

All season it lingers in the background, threatening to set the whole series ablaze in a wholeheartedly entertaining inferno, and I looked forward to it with the glee of a chronic arsonist.

The best part was, we had four potential catalysts for fire this season.

First there's Natasha and her heavy Russian accent and broken English. Then there's Dionne "That's-Coo" Wholahay and the fact that she thinks Grammar is an actor on Cheers and Frasier.

Next, there's Jaslene who I've dubbed, "Double Neg" because I don't think I've never heard no one use no more double negatives in my life. Finally, we have the self-proclaimed "spreader of light", Jael. No need for me to beat her speaking habits into the ground any further.

Oh yes, this episode promised to be nuclear in proportions, and I sat eagerly in my living room with the champagne of beers and a fire extinguisher, ready to watch as the girls offended every Australian on the planet with their hideous Aussie accents.

(S08E07) I never know what I'm going to get with most of the models on a week to week basis. For a while Jael was stepping up her game. Then, this week she entered the "tripping acid zone" and lost her mind at the celebrity social.

Jaslene was flawless week after week after week. Then, she summoned the inner drag-queen that's been fighting to be released all season, and her photos ended up being a bit of a mess this week.

Dionne was pretty much blending in with the scenery the first five episodes, and now she's suddenly one of the more prominent models on the show. The same argument could be made for Natasha.

Brittany was a star the first few shows, but somewhere around the time she got the red badger cross-stitched into her skull, she lost something. Finally, Sara and Whitney seemed really confident for a while, but now seem really unsure of their abilities.

(S08E04) Looking at the title of this week's show I was 100% positive the girl who cried all the time was going to be Renee.

Although she's my controversial pick to win the entire competition, I couldn't agree more with some of the comments in my previous posts that called Renee "a whiny, bitchtastic pain in the butt who thinks she's tough, but in reality, cries too much and needs therapy." I'm paraphrasing.

Instead, the title was in reference to Brittany, which came as a bit of a surprise to me since she's been pretty nondescript until this episode.

In my opinion, Brittany had a pretty decent reason to be crying and complaining. Being a guy, I can't claim to know the distress that accompanies having fake hair stitched into your scalp, but it sounds about as appealing as being beaten repeatedly in my nether regions with a meat tenderizer, which is the exact opposite of awesome.

(S08E03) So when this episode's first piece of "Tyra mail" made its way into the model mansion it read, "Babies learn how to do it, can you?"

Call me a prophet, but somehow I knew the answer to this question was not "bite, masticate, and digest".

I know skinniness is all the rage in the modeling industry, but holy crap! Some of these girls look like it's day 30 of Survivor and they're part of the downtrodden tribe, sustaining themselves solely on a diet of coconut husks, sea cucumbers, and bark.

I always halfway expect to see Jeff Probst pop out from behind something and offer one of these girls a hamburger in exchange for immunity.