(S08E09) If I were going to compile a list of three things I didn't need to see during this season of Big Brother, it would probably look a little something like this:

1. Zach racing through the courtyard in the buff.
2. Dustin prancing around comfortably in a red unitard.
3. A close up of scrawny little Eric concentrating as fluorescent lights glimmered from his nipple rings.

As luck would have it, I got to see all three of these things tonight and actually had to watch Zach streak in slow motion on my TiVo to get the appropriate screen capture for this post. I can honestly say that I will never be the same.

(S08E07) Somewhere along the way, Big Brother's Julie Chen got stuck with the nickname "Chenbot".

I figured the term of endearment came from her steely cold gaze, her stoic, apathetic delivery, or maybe even those stiff, robotic movements she performs that make bronze sculptures absolutely limber by comparison.

Turns out I missed the most obvious reason. She's actually a robot running on Windows ME.

During tonight's HOH Competition, there was a sequence where the Chenbot ran out of RAM. She was stuck there motionless for a noticeable period of time, yet she was still talking to the contestants.

A swift change of cameras by a quick thinking producer and a ctrl + alt + delete later - she was good as new. Video proof after the jump.

(S08E06) I know Amber's formal title is "Cocktail Waitress", but I'm thinking about writing the producers of Big Brother and seeing if we can't get that permanently changed to "Professional Crying Champion of the Universe."

I mean, seriously, have we made it through a single episode without her showcasing the puffy, reddened, "someone just kicked my puppy off of a bridge" face?

I'm surprised she doesn't walk around the house in a constant state of dehydration considering she loses about a quarter of her body weight in water each day through her overextended tear ducts.

(S08E05) In the screen capture above, it'd be easy to think Dick is being censored by Big Brother as he spits out an acerbic tirade filled with F-bombs. That's not the case. Dick actually just chewed off his own tongue in disgust because he bleeping bleeps the bleep out of Jen.

Okay, he didn't really chew off his tongue, but after this episode it's not hard to imagine that Jen could really set off that kind of rage inside the evil one.

Need proof? Here's a sampling of some of the pleasant things Dick had to say about Jen this week. Parents may not want to let the kiddies follow the jump...

(S08E04) Carol, the walking Ambien prescription, always seemed like a strange candidate to be on a reality show. Especially a show like Big Brother that is so dependent on interesting personalities to keep the viewing audience engaged

Four full episodes have aired, and I can't think of a single memorable thing she did the entire time she was there. I've seen cloud formations that have captured my attention more effectively, and that's taking into account the fact that Carol was one of the more attractive girls in the house.

I can't think of a single time she showed any real passion for being on the show, and her attempts at campaigning to not be voted off seemed halfhearted at best.

(S08E03) I think Jen conveniently forgot the letters "ly Insane" from her shirt on the screen capture above. We're barely three episodes into the season and she's already registering off the charts on a scale from 1 to crazy.

She must have thought her psychotic breakdown regarding her ugly photo wasn't enough. She decided to completely outdo herself tonight with the "Nick tried to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him" debacle.

This was cringe inducing television at its finest people. To be caught in a lie is awkward enough. To be caught in a lie while millions of people are watching you on national television? That would seriously make me consider taking a few shots of lemon scented Ammonia.

(S08E02) Let's talk about this America's Player thing for a moment. While I find it to be a pretty interesting concept, I wasn't entirely sure how well it would be executed.

Tonight we got an idea when the Chenbot revealed that the viewing audience would pick which contestant Eric would reveal a fictitious sob story to.

I'm not impressed. In fact, I think we're off to a pretty lame start.

(S08E01) I had my doubts that this season of Big Brother could come close to comparing to the reality TV gold standard that was set by last season's all-star cast. I actually perked up and got a little dreamy-eyed and nostalgic when I saw a picture of the good Dr. Will pop up on my television 15 minutes into the show.

Despite finding out that my man crush would have absolutely nothing to do with Big Brother 8, I still came away from the premiere feeling like this is going to be an excellent season thanks to the unique twists the producers decided to throw at us this year.