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August 29, 2015


Star Trek: The Next Generation: Haven

by Wil Wheaton, posted May 8th 2007 12:18PM
st:tng the havenTitle: Haven
Original Air Date: November 30, 1987
Teleplay By: Tracy Torme
Story By: Tracy Torme and Lan Okun
Directed by: Richard Compton
Episode: S01E011
Stardate: 41294.5

Synopsis: The Enterprise is in orbit around a planet known as Haven, a planet so beautiful, Picard tells us, legends say it has mystical healing powers. Data intelligently points out that the legend is entirely unsupported by fact, so Picard gives him a copy of Loose Change and The Secret to straighten him out on the whole "Facts vs. Bullshit" thing.

Yar calls Riker out of his quarters, where he's been watching two holographic young women play the harps together. (Uh, yeah. I have an easier time suspending my disbelief for faster-than-light travel and kids on the bridge than accepting that a dude, alone in his quarters, pulls up two pretty young holographic women to play harps together.) Riker arrives in the transporter room and wants to know what was so goddamn important that Yar had to call him away from his harp watching thing. It turns out that there's an object from Haven waiting to be beamed aboard the ship. Riker, vision of harp playing nymphs dancing in his head, tells her to beam the stupid object over, already.

Transporter Chief Buffalo Bill puts the lotion in the basket, and beams over . . . a mysterious box. What's in the box? Should they trade the red snapper for what could be inside? Red snapper is very tasty, but there could be anything inside! There could even be a boat in there!

Before we get to open the box and find out what it contains, a face on the front of the box (played by Armin Shimmerman, in a cool non-Ferengi role) announces that it has a message for Troi: Lwaxana Troi and the Miller family are pretty excited for a big event of some sort. Ah! It's a Betazoid Gift box, of course, and it's there to announce the joyous joining of Wyatt Miller and . . . someone. The box then takes a big jewel shit all over the transporter. While Tasha rubs the box's nose in it so it can think about what it's done, Troi tells Riker that the box didn't contain a boat after all. They should have kept the red snapper, because that someone getting married is her. Gulp.

Oh boy. Is it going to be one of those episodes?

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