"Baracknophobia": The irrational fear of hope is spreading, even among Barack Obama's own people. Obama campaign staffers sent away two women with head scarves because they didn't want to remind people at the photo op about the rumors of Obama being Muslim. Not as bad as the baby-punching, I must say, and at least he apologized.

"Guantanamo Baywatch": The Supreme Court ruled that prisoners in Guantanamo Bay can contest their detention before a judge. Some folks aren't too happy about this, what with their poor Mexican topiary managers having fewer rights and all. The managers are Mexican, by the way, not the topiaries. Senior Imprisoned Correspondent, Gitmo, stopped by to share his thoughts. Man, Jon Stewart is really no good with puppets. Every voice he does sounds like South Park's Jennifer "Taco-Flavored Kisses" Lopez.