jasonjones

"Dick Move of the Week": John McCain has been making more news with one of his new attack ads against Barack Obama, in which he calls Obama out for being an attention-seeking celebrity, just like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. That's not the bad part though. That honor goes to the fact that Paris' parents support McCain and have sent thousands of dollars for his campaign. Smooth move, my man. Smooth move.

Quick news: Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens has been indicted for corruption charges. I knew The Daily Show would use any opportunity to bring out that clip of Stevens screaming, "NO!" I've missed that anger in my life.

Barack Obama recently returned form his trip the Middle East. In the meantime, John McCain has been struggling in the States, dealing with the likes of Schmidt's Sausage Haus and the Dalai Lama. I thought we were done talking about straight guy awkwardness the previous night. McCain looked terribly uncomfortable while the Dalai Lama held his hand. Just look at his other hand, fiddling with his suit pocket. He was probably all sweaty palms and clenched teeth that afternoon.

"It's the Stupid Economy" (or, the slightly more hip "Mos Deficit"): Everyone has their own opinion about the state of America's economy. President Bush recently delivered a speech at the oddly specific time of 10:20 a.m., seemingly to overshadow the Chairman of the Federal Reserve's own speech that was being delivered at the same time. The difference between the two men's words was pretty remarkable. President Bush seemed to think that we're doing all right, which I guess is sort of true, because when you don't have a car or a home, you do get more air and exercise. If you had listened to Chairman Ben Bernanke's speech, on the other hand, you probably had a much darker view, "Wow! One is like a glass half-full kind of guy and the other is an expert on the economy."

We are nearing the end of The Daily Show's two-week hiatus, but I'm suffering from a serious case of the political commentary shakes. In a desperate attempt to curb my withdrawal symptoms, I spent most of July 4th cracking jokes about the FISA Bill, but nobody wanted to hear it and drowned me out with lots of Roman Candles and exploding beer cans. Hopefully, other fans have been coping better than I have, but just in case you aren't, here are a few things to hold you over a few more days.

"George W. Bush: Still President": Despite President Bush's initial refusal to negotiate with baddies, he has decided to take back what he said about North Korea. That's a flip-flop, sir! So, no more Axis of Evil? Just Gaggle of Douchebags? It's more childish phrasing from Bush, just like the magic wand he likes to talk about when facing high oil prices. Oh, and Barack Obama likes to... use... that... too... Great.

"White Stuff on Mars": New discoveries on Mars make room for coke jokes and groantastic puns.

There Will Be Flood"/"Wet Hot American Bummer" (HA!): Much of the Midwest is currently underwater, due to storms, failing levies and acts of not-God. Reporters are already looking for the most dramatic ways to demonstrate the severity of the situation, and President Bush is obviously dreading a visit to the disaster area. Correspondents Jason Jones and Wyatt Cenac reported from a flooded scene, just to dig up some of that dated "George Bush doesn't care about black people" stuff. I guess they had to do it now, as mentioning it in the next night's episode may have been a little weird, what with Mike Meyers being the guest and all. I'm waiting for Wyatt to do his own correspondent field report before I decide how I feel about him. I'm kind of liking his perpetual angry-face, though. And did the audience know for what they were applauding? It sounded like more blind, trained seal clapping.

Jon Stewart kicked off the night with some anger fueled by Mets love. Mets manager Willie Randolph was fired in a rather unceremonious manner. He was all the way on the other side of the country, contacted at 3:00 a.m. and fired by Mr. Met. Sick burn.

"The Gay After": In other news, same-sex marriage is now legal in California, and, somehow, the state is still attached to the rest of the country and it hasn't been engulfed in flames. Hmm, interesting. Some newsworthy couples have tied the knot since this announcement, including George Takei, who married his long-time partner. I just started one of my Summer mini-projects, watching the entire original Star Trek series in preparation for its TV Squad's Retro Squad week, and while I know I'm a newbie Trekkie, I'm pretty sure Takei's name is pronounced "Tek-ayy." It allows for maximum fun in rhyming, "George Takei is gay."

John McCain wasn't the only one to have his medical history thrown into the spotlight. Barack Obama's doctor analyzed his health and released a one-page report on how muscular and lean he is. No, it's not nearly as long-winded nor as sexy as McCain's crazy 1,200 page report.

Still-President Bush (I think I will start referring to him as such, as well) paid a visit to the US Air Force Academy's graduation and had a little fun with some soldiers on this celebratory day. I'm surprised there weren't any MySpace poses in this collection of poses from the day. This would be so much more endearing if there wasn't always that underlying tone of evil in everything he does. I'm just sayin'.

"Land of the Spree": Grand Theft Auto IV was finally released and gun-wielding crazies took the streets in droves and... very politely waited in line in an orderly manner. Senior Virtual Correspondent Aasif Mandvi reported live from Liberty City to giddily talk about the chaos and loss of life throughout the game. There is nothing better than wreaking havoc in a virtual replica of the city you live in, apparently.

Hey, kids, let's jump right into this review and pretend Annie didn't have a total fatigue-triggered meltdown and actually forget to watch Tuesday's Daily Show until dinnertime. Blame the previous week's Colbert-tastic, Comic-Con-filled escapades. Who wouldn't be completely exhausted after all that goodness?

"The Long Flat Seemingly Endless Bataan Death March to the White House": The Pennsylvania primary battle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama grew in intensity until the final numbers came in. At that point, the 24-hour news networks went nuts with that bloody metaphors and Jon managed to work in a hilarious Star Wars reference. Yes, Jon, the Pennsylvania primary was exactly like the Death Star. Also: John McCain's balls. I just assumed you'd want to think about those again. You're welcome.

"Dick Move of the Week": A cheap shot from the Barack Obama campaign last Wednesday. To lure youngsters away from a Bill Clinton speech on-campus, Obama supporters gave away tickets to a Dave Matthews concert. Ouch. Wow, The Daily Show has been doing all sorts of things to my vocabulary. After the show permanently ingrained "douchebag" into my everyday conversations, I now fear that "dick move" is going to start working its way into my language. Hey, when you watch a show four times a week, mannerisms are bound to get picked up. This also poses the possibility that I'll start having nightmares about animated purple penises wearing Chuck Taylors.

"Indecision 2008": With the race growing more and more intense with every day, Barack Obama has been doing his damnedest to get voters. He even went to join some everyman-types in Pennsylvania at a bowling alley, despite the fact that he is -- to put it nicely -- an outrageously crappy bowler. I love it whenever they find an excuse to play that video of President Bush trying to throw shapes with that African dance troupe. It makes me feel better about my own lack of rhythm. And in defense of that guy that made himself sound like an idiot by suggesting that Obama stick to playing hoops, he may have been referring to Obama's "We play hoops" yearbook picture. Yeah? No? He's probably just a racist douchebag? Fair enough.

Jon still hasn't mentioned it on the show yet, but Comedy Central has started running ads for the second Night of Too Many Stars: An Overbooked Benefit for Autism Education. Jon will be hosting once again, and the list of appearances is looking pretty sweet. Will Arnett, Steve Carell and Conan O'Brien alone are enough to drag me in. The special will be airing on Comedy Central (duh) at 8:00PM EST on April 13, which happens to be the night before the Colbert Report's big Philly adventure kick-off. Sounds like it's going to be a couple of very busy days for Mr. Colbert.

"Gubernatorial Malfeasance": As if to let the jokes really ripen, Jon and the gang left coverage of the Eliot Spitzer scandal for this night. Actually, maybe they just wanted the full effect of the media completely crapping themselves with joy, as demonstrated by Jon's Spitzer bib. Senior Legal Analyst Rob Riggle jumped in for what was, like, the shortest correspondent contribution ever, just to drop the joke that Spitzer's link to the prostitution ring was his penis. Come on.

"Indecision 2008": Finally, some Tuesday coverage. Unsurprisingly, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama fought all the way through, with Clinton pulling ahead just enough to claim major victories. John McCain has already pretty much locked up the Republican nomination and Mike Huckabee, um, was Mike Huckabee. I'm usually not very fond of the gag jokes, but the giant hands worked well, if only for that "Oh, Mickey!" bit.