jonas brothers

South Park kicked off their 13th season (dear God, did I just say 13th? I couldn't feel older right now if I had to get my bifocals to read the instructions on a box of Depends) the way the show's longtime fans expect them to kick off every season: by kicking the latest flavor of the month, flash in the pan whatever square in the bean bag.

Sometimes their target is a woman, of course, and that's when they do whatever women call it when they get so mad, they physically want to fight each other. I believe the word is "hot as #*$(ing hell."

I cheated and looked it up on Wikipedia. Sorry.

South Park hasn't been too kind to musicians over their twelve seasons on Comedy Central. You may remember the origins of Bono were less than flattering (seem the U2 singer and Mr. Hanky have something in common). Last season, Britney Spears wound up horribly disfigured. And Richard Stamos (brother of John) never hit that high "F."

When the thirteenth season kicks off Wednesday (March 11, 10 PM), musicians will apparently have their revenge. Kenny takes his girlfriend to a Jonas Brothers concert in an effort to get lucky, but has his plans foiled when the band gives them "purity" rings. Can't wait to see what Matt and Trey have in store for the ubiquitous heart pre-teen heart throbs - I'm hoping it will warm the hearts of any parent you had to take their kids to that 3-D movie.

(S34E16) It was pretty obvious there was going to be at least two sketches with the Jonas Brothers. I called it! I mean, no one apart from the people in my apartment know I called it, but that doesn't change the facts or my sad sense of accomplishment. I had to tune out once they started singing (sorry, 15 year-old girls), but their skits were all right. Alec Baldwin did a fine job of hosting as well, though there weren't any particularly striking sketches. I suppose after doing something like "Schwetty Balls", just about everything else will pale in comparison.

Admit it ... you're obsessed with the Jonas Brothers (known in the tween world as the Jo Bros) and Miley Cyrus (known in the tween world as -- Miley Cyrus). You wake up in Hannah Montana pajamas, you eat your cereal with your Miley Cyrus spoon, and you make sure you have safe sex with your Jo Bros' IUD. But, you need more to satisfy your craving for Disneyfied bubblegum rock and pop. Thing is, you fear that you have exhausted all of your resources.

Have some faith, slightly creepy one. Fact of the matter is the Disney Channel is watching your back. Starting at 5:30 pm tonight, the network will be premiering the Jonas Brothers' newest video, as well as Miley's first video from her new Hannah Montana movie. If that weren't enough to sustain you, Disney will be broadcasting the Kids Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which will feature not only the Jo Bros and Miley, but Demi Lovato and Bow Wow (no longer 'Little').

See? Everything will be okay. Now you can get dressed in your High School Musical pants suit and head out to your job as CEO of a multi-billion dollar company.

[information courtesy of Cynopsis]

I'm just full of Disney news (or full of something) this week, aren't I? On Monday I asked the question of what happened to the Playhouse Disney schedule. This time around I'm going to talk about the entire Disney Channel. Not just the cable network, but the website as well. For both are tops in their respective outlets.

Well, tops when it comes to kids programming -- an area of entertainment that continues to grow on a daily basis. For 2008, Disney Channel was top of the heap in a number of areas. Not only was primetime programming number one for viewers ages 6-14, but the premiere of the network's newest musical, Camp Rock (which introduced us to Demi Lovato), became cable's top entertainment broadcast of the year. Cable's top animated debut also went to Disney Channel with the premiere of Phineas and Ferb.

(S07E03) We're really getting back into the swing of things now. After the whirlwind of 25 performances in two nights, it was time for a proper results show. As usual, that's both good and bad. Results shows always hold the prospect of musical guests, and professional numbers.

Unfortunately, they also have a tendency to bring iffy comedy bits, and dull taped packages. It's a bit of a crapshoot, but usually worth tuning in. Because, as we all know, no matter how sure you are that a certain couple is leaving, you just never really know. Am I hinting at a surprise elimination? Or just trying to trick you into clicking your way past the jump? Only one way to find out.

I have a tween-aged girl in the household, so we watch a fair amount of Disney Channel. I'll come clean and even announce that Miley Cyrus, The Cheetah Girls, and Demi Lovato share iPod space with AC/DC, Jeff Beck, and Aerosmith. Hey, those Disney Channel tunes are catchy, and they're easy to dance, I mean, walk to. I draw the line at the Jonas Brothers, though.

But about 10 minutes into the new Cheetah Girls: One World movie the other night, my daughter looked at me and said, "I was really hoping these Cheetah Girls movies would get better." Yeah, me, too.

I actually liked the first two movies, in 2003 and 2006, respectively. The second, directed by High School Musical alum Kenny Ortega, was a downright cute tale about the Girls' escapades in Spain.

Here are the new TV DVDs, in stores tomorrow.

There's actually nothing on this list I want to buy. I'm not into Hannah Montana, I've never seen an episode of Bleach, I wasn't a big Married with Children fan, and I haven't bought any previous seasons of Perry Mason, so I might actually save some money this week.

I like Chelsea Handler though. Not sure if it's worth buying Girls Behaving Badly just for her.

• Are You Afraid of the Dark? - Season 7
• Bleach - Season 2
• Camp Rock - Extended Rock Star Edition
• Dexter - Season 2
• Galaxy Rangers - Vol. 2
• George of the Jungle - Season 1
• Girls Behaving Badly - Chelsea Handler Exposed
• Gossip Girl - Season 1
• Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus - Best of Both Worlds 3-D Concert
• House - Season 4
• Justice League - Season 1 (Blu-Ray)
• Kenny vs. Spenny - Season 4 (Canada)
• Married with Children - Season 9
• Perry Mason - Season 3, Vol. 1
• Recount
• Spider-Man - Dr. Octopus
• Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - Season 1
• Transformers - Season 1
• Wayside - Season 1
• William Tell - Best Of

• NBC has The Olympics all night.
• At 7:55, Disney Channel has a new Jonas Brothers: Living The Dream, then a marathon of Phineas & Ferb.
• At 8, PBS has a new Washington Week, followed by new episodes of NOW and Bill Moyers Journal.
• The CW has a new Smackdown! at 8.
• ESPN has more Little League World Series coverage at 8.
• TCM has Support Your Local Sheriff at 8, then Support Your Local Gunfighter.
• At 9, USA has a new Monk, then a new Psych.
• Hallmark Channel has the new movie Murder 101: The Locked Room Mystery.
• At 10, CBS has a new Swingtown.
• History Channel has a new Shockwave at 10.
• There's a new episode of The Soup at 10 on E!

Check your local TV listings for more.

What should come as no surprise to anybody: Disney is now hard at work to the sequel of its High School Musical trilogy follow-up, Camp Rock. The Disney Channel is hoping to broadcast the sequel in spring or summer of 2009.

The first Camp Rock debuted to 8.9 million viewers on Friday night, the second highest viewership ever for the network (but still far below the 17.2 million they got for High School Musical 2).

I know you've all been wondering if the Jonas Brothers squash the machine that is Zac Efron. Well, they can ... kind of. Camp Rock averaged 8.9 million viewers on Friday night. That's more viewers than High School Musical, which had 7.8 million for its debut. However, 8.9 million pales in comparison to last summer's 17.2 million (ZOMG!) viewers for High School Musical 2. And it proves that the Efron is unstoppable and more bankable. In fact, High School Musical 2 is the most watched non-sports program on cable.

Joal Ryan of E! Online points out that Camp Rock could still beat High School Musical overall, "The Jonas Brothers are far bigger stars than Efron or any of his costars were in January 2006, when the first HSM premiered." He goes to say that the real test of Camp Rock will be if it has the ability to rule the ratings in the inevitable many, many reruns.

• At 8, ABC has the Daytime Emmy Awards.
• The CW has a new Smackdown! at 8.
• PBS has a new Washington Week at 8, followed by new episodes of NOW and Bill Moyers Journal.
• Also at 8: Disney has The Jonas Brothers in the movie Camp Rock.
• At 8:30, Food Network has a new Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels.
• At 9, NBC has a new Dateline.
• Sci-Fi has a new Doctor Who at 9.
• VH-1 has a new Best Week Ever at 9.
• At 10, History Channel has a new Shockwave.
• There's a new episode of The Soup on E! at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

ABC will be airing Disney favorites this summer every Saturday evening. John Goodman, the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, and Jamie Lee Curtis are just a few of the special guest hosts who will be hosting these "movie nights."

From the looks of the schedule, ABC is showing mostly newer Disney films. While I love films like Monsters Inc., I wish ABC would pay tribute to the older Disney movies like Robin Hood, The Sword in the Stone, and Cinderella.

I have the full schedule after the jump. The Disney extravaganza starts this coming Saturday, June 14th.

May I please have the attention of all of those parents who have taken out a second mortgage from purchasing anything and everything related to the Disney supermega-hit Hannah Montana. Are you all reading this? Good. I am letting you know beforehand that you will probably need to take a third mortgage out because the supermega-hot Jonas Brothers are coming to the Disney Channel in a regular series.

Uh, could we get some cold towels and smelling salts out there for the parents, please? Thank you.