lana lang

Can you smell it in the air? That's right, the strong scent of May sweeps. Some things are always true, April showers bring May flowers, and May sweeps bring big events on TV. Smallville hasn't been immune in the past, which is why Jonathan Kent is (sadly) no longer with us. But who else is going to kick the bucket?

Sources say that one of the four major characters, Clark, Chloe, Lana or Lex will die by the end of this season. Now, through simple deductive reasoning, I think we can assume that it isn't going to be Clark, since that would end the series pretty quick. We know Lex has to be Clark's eternal nemesis, so that takes him out of the running as well.

(S06E17) You know you're in for a very special Smallville when it starts out with a WWF-style cage match, an extremely gratuitous shot of some very large boobs, and an all-out brawl between Clark and a Zoner who seems stronger than he is. It's like a Bizarro world version of the show starring everyone's favorite Kryptonian. Zowie.

Basically, it's Fight Club meets Smallville meets ... well, Superheroes Gone Wild. Toss in Lois chomping at the bit for a story, and you've got half the makings of a regular old episode of Lois & Clark, or is it just me? Although I don't remember Teri Hatcher donning red leather and claiming to be a wayward stripper from down the street who has a penchant for loving the ladies. Plus, did you catch the way Lois claimed she does a killer "Stars and Stripes" routine? Hello throwback to an old episode.

(S06E16) The wedding bells that have been ringing in the promos for this episode also sound like funeral bells ringing, is that a coincidence? We may never know. Anyhow, it's finally here, the Lex & Lana wedding that we've all been dreading/waiting for.

Did that scene of Lex and Lana watching the ultrasound creep anyone else out? It's scary to know what might come ripping out of that womb. I keep picturing that scene from Alien over and over in my head. I also hope that the photo Clark whipped out the window didn't end up decapitating someone in Malaysia. He really put some heat behind it.

(S06E14) Lana has a stalker! Or alternatively titled, "The Lana Lingerie Issue" since she's in a nightie for about half the show. How long has it been since we've had one of these episodes? Quite a while. This stalker likes to send camera phone pictures to Lana on her Sprint Product Placement Powered Phone. However, when that phone has potentially earth-shattering evidence on it, you don't just hand it over to your megalomaniacal boyfriend and tell him to check it out. Seriously, what camera phone takes pictures that are that clear, especially when you blow 'em up to an 8" x 10"? Anyhow, nice work Lana, maybe you'll get yourself back to that girl who had so much spunk and moxie.

However, once again Chloe is stuck in the middle of things again while she checks out Lana's picture, and interfaces with Clark. How can she stand it? She just needs to spill the beans to Lana, thereby saving everyone the trouble of running around in circles. However, knowing Clark's secret gets you one of two things: either you don't appear much on the show anymore, or you get relegated to Pete Ross-land -- never to be seen again. They don't even get postcards or phone calls from wherever he got exiled to.

(S06E13) Valentine's Day comes to Smallville about two weeks before the rest of the country. Why can't these episodes come on closer to the actual date of the holiday? Okay, I'm griping too much. We've got the return of Red Kryptonite, and it's about darn time. It comes at the right time, too ... given the fact that Lois has gotten a bit itchy in her relationship with Oliver Queen, and Lana is about to go fully over to the dark side and marry Lex Luthor, not to mention have his baby. That's getting a bit too close to the whole Anakin/Padme relationship, ain't it?

The whole little Zoltar machine slash Gypsy slash matchmaker woman who just gives Lois the magical lipstick was wayyyyy to much of a plot device for me. It's like the writers were in a post-Chinese food coma and decided to just have some character waltz in and hand it over. Was it too convenient? Am I griping about the small stuff too much again? Most likely. Granted, the alternative was probably having a department of LuthorCorp working on cosmetics, and some wacky scientist decides to add meteor rocks and yadda yadda yadda. K-powered shampoo and shaving gel for the world.

(S06E10) Winter break is over folks, and Smallville is back with ... Tori Spelling? Yes, you read (and probably saw) that right. Miss 90210 herself has broken out of Beverly Hills and made her way to Smallville. She brings Clark yet another double L connection, playing snarky gossip columnist Linda Lake who tries to blow the lid on Lex Luthor and Lana Lang (butting heads with Chloe SuLLivan in the process), and Lois Lane thinks that OLLie Queen might be the Green Arrow. Leapin' lizards, there's probably a whole crate of extra Ls being ordered by the production team in order to keep up with everything.

So, with Lana still reeling from Lex's marriage proposal, she's hoping to "revisit her past" to seek answers. Which is female code-word talking for "I'm going to see if there's someone better that I might regret not going out with again, so just hang on for an answer." Of course, poor Clark has to read it on the Daily Planet gossip page, which makes me wonder whatever happened to Perry White and The Inquisitor. This sort of drudge is much more suited for their pages, not for the newspaper of Metropolis.

(S06E09) Is this Children of the Corn, or Smallville? Some kids are being forced to work on a farm, and if they try to escape something that looks like Sonic the Hedgehog chases them down and snuffs 'em down in the dirt. Talk about a motivation to keep on digging. They were smuggled across the border to work ... in Smallville? Since when is the Mexican border near Kent and company?

(S05E21) Whew. I don't know how I feel about last night's episode. Basically, it confused the crap out of me, but I think that was the point. It was all just a tease for the finale, which is next Thursday.

Still, there was a lot of stuff that the writers could have tidied up a bit. Namely, the Kryptonian Alphabet.How come Clark can't read Kryptonian letters? Didn't he learn Kryptonian back in like Season 2? Here is Lionel handing him a treasure map of Kryptonian goodness and Clark just shrugs and goes, "What does it say? I don't know." That was just dumb.

(S05E20) Now, I know you guys miss me, but this is just a temporary thing; Lacy had some technical difficulties and I'm just stepping in to help her out for this episode. We'll be returning you to your regularly scheduled reviewer next week. I think I somehow missed an episode somewhere along the way the past couple of weeks, because I was just as shocked as Clark to find that Lana and Lex were now an item. I knew that they would end up together, but I thought they would tease the issue a while ala Clark and Lana. I know they share some traits and bonding moments, but how gullible and lame is Lana to just jump together with Lex? I had more faith in her than that, apparently, so did Clark. On with the show!

(S05E18) About half-way through last night's Smallville, my roommate suddenly proclaimed, "This is the gayest Smallville ever!" I don't know about gayest, but it was pretty lame. It was one of your typical freak-of-the-week episodes that I wish would've disappeared by the 5th season. But nope. In this (not so) special episode, Clark and Martha take in a foster girl who has the ability to control glass, i.e. shatter glass, i.e. accidentally kill her previous foster mom. 

This episode marked Tom Welling's directorial debut. It's sort of hard for me to judge Tom's directing chops when the writing was so lame. There really wasn't a lot going on here in terms of plot, and I don't think that Tom helped things out in terms of direction. The scenes between him and the young girl went on foooooorever. Chemistry, they do not have.   

It's been so long since we've had a new fresh episode of Smallville, that I was absolutely giddy last night at its return. All in all, I thought it was a pretty good episode, even with it's faulty plot points. Clark finds himself hypnotized by Simone, a blonde kinky-haired seductress who looks a lot better when she flat-irons her hair. She hypnotizes him by using a special blue stone that she wears around her neck. I had a little trouble believing that Clark, with his super powers, wouldn't be super immune to such a stone.