Like Moe from The Simpsons, I usually spend Festivus time with my head in an oven and a "no funeral" sign taped to my back. This year, though, is a little different, because a) I just found out my oven is electric and b) TV Squad asked me to compile a list of the things I wanted for Festivus. There's no time for holiday depression when an editorially-mandated list of things-that-will-never-come-to-pass is waiting to be written!

So, off with the noose and on with the list...