lisa

(S06E21)

Marge: It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map.

Homer: Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there.

More than anything, this episode shows just how poorly-lacking public schools are when it comes to funding. We begin with a bus ride taking place on a bus that really shouldn't even be in use. Bart and Milhouse watch as a hole in the bus floor becomes wider, forcing them to leap into the next seat while their old one is sucked under the bus. When it comes time to stop, the kids have to hold their coats out the windows like drag chutes.

When they arrive at the Civil War reenactment, it turns out it's no longer free. Since they have no money to get in, they watch from over the fence until one of the actors spots them and everyone chases after the kids for trying to learn without paying first.

(S06E20) This episode opens with Santa's Little Helper destroying the house. Everyone naturally assumes it's Bart, but as Bart points out, none of the destruction has his usual social commentary. They finally figure out it's the dog, but they can't figure out why it's behaving so crazy, so they take it to a pet store where the clerk performs a canine/human mind meld, a power only he and three other clerks possess. Really, he's just using this as a way to get the family to buy a lot of unnecessary doo-dads for Santa's Little Helper. On the drive home, the dog escapes out the car window and heads for the racetrack where Bart and Homer first found him. It's there that he finds love.

Santa's Little Helper's girlfriend moves into the house, and there's a funny montage in which the two animals go out for a romantic day in Springfield. The butcher shop gives them a steak, and for some reason the video store happens to have steak, too, as does an old woman who carries the meat in her purse. There's the obligatory Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene, but the two dogs actually fight over the spaghetti, just like real dogs. One of my favorite things about the pets on The Simpsons is how much they behave like real animals.

(S06E19)

Marge: FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I never noticed.

Following an episode I wasn't that thrilled with comes another that's filed in my brain under "Meh." Episodes that show the family in the future always turn me off, and I'm not sure exactly why that is. Maybe I'm just not willing to accept Bart and Lisa as young adults and Homer and Marge as an old couple.

This episode begins with the family at a carnival, and Lisa wanders into a tent featuring bizarre animals, such as a chicken wearing a rainbow wig, a one-headed dog, and an esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit, and the body of a rabbit. The rabbit --sorry, esquilax-- escapes, and Lisa chases after it, winding up in a tent with a fortune teller. The first tarot card she places down is the Death card, which frightens Lisa, but the Death card is actually good, it's the Happy Squirrel card she needs to be concerned about.

(S06E08) Me fail English? That's unpossible! -Ralph Wiggum

I have a friend who hates what he calls "Lisa episodes" of The Simpsons. It's a good-natured disagreement he and I have had for a long time, because I absolutely love "Lisa episodes." Almost every story ever written has a character that most reflects the writer's own personality, and I think Lisa is, to many of The Simpsons writers, exactly that character. She's the quiet, beleaguered outcast cursed to live in a completely illogical world; the only one who can clearly see the jive bullsh*t that is the guiding ethos of those around her.

A school assembly is held at the beginning of the episode, and Lisa learns she's failing gym. Her teacher says she won't fail Lisa as long as Lisa takes up a sport outside of school. After failed attempts at basketball and volleyball, she joins a rival hockey team opposite Bart's team when it's revealed she has a natural talent as a goalie. Milhouse, on the other hand, does not, even after being tied to the goal.

(S06E07) To paraphrase a line from Woody Allen, the only love that truly lasts is unrequited love. That's a good way to sum up this episode where Bart falls in love with Reverend Lovejoy's daughter, Jessica. Another great summation comes from Lisa, who tells Bart, quite wisely, "It's naive to think you can change a person." Of course, this being The Simpsons, Lisa qualifies her advice by insisting the hunky boy who works at the library might be changed if only he gave Lisa a chance.

(S06E06) When I first started covering the sixth season of The Simpsons for Retro Squad, some of you asked why I didn't cover one of the earlier "better" seasons. Well, there is a reason I chose this season instead of say, the fifth season (which includes one of my top five episodes, "Rosebud") but that reason no longer applies. What the heck am I talking about? Let's just say we had something cool planned, but it didn't pan out.

Nevertheless, this season had some great episodes, so I'm not at all sorry I chose to revisit them. Besides, if I hadn't picked this season I wouldn't be able to talk about possibly one of the best Halloween episodes ever. So if you'll take my bloody, severed hand, we'll get started:

(S06E05) Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it.

One of the benefits of being a satirical show like The Simpsons is that for the most part, the gags remain somewhat timeless. I say "somewhat" because once in awhile there will be moments that really date that particular episode. In this episode it's a reference to Rush Limbaugh in the guise of Springfield's loudmouth celebrity radio yakker Birch Barlow, author of Only Turkeys Have Left Wings. I know Rush is still around, but I think it's safe to say he's no longer in his heyday.

Do not adjust your web browser. You are now entering the Retro Squad, where we are reviewing past episodes of your favorite shows, in order, every week.

(S06E01) The year was 1994. I was starting my senior year of high school and The Simpsons was starting its sixth season with an episode about Homer giving in to the demands of his children and buying a pool for his family. Everyone enjoys the new pool, but Bart tries to show off for his friends and ends up falling from the treehouse and breaking his leg. As he becomes more and more reclusive (and increasingly insane) he convinces himself that Flanders has murdered his wife and recruits Lisa to sneak into Flanders' house and find evidence. Of course, the whole idea is an homage to Rear Window, which becomes obvious when Bart peers into the apartment of a Stewart lookalike who exclaims some sinister kid is spying on him.

(S17E21)

Ned: We want you to teach alternative theories to Darwinian evolution.

Skinner: You mean Lamarckian evolution?

Last night The Simpsons took on creationism versus evolution, pitting Lisa against the rest of the town. This isn't the first time the show has tackled the issue of science and religion, most notably in the "Lisa the Skeptic" episode in which the supposed skeleton of a dead angel is found. Last night's episode had some good moments, but it did feel like they were treading upon somewhat familiar ground and not saying anything especially new.

Well, it's time to start shifting all my DVDs over again to make room for yet another Simpsons collection. According to TVShowsOnDVD (via ToonZone), the eighth season of the show will be out on August 15. Like the last two sets, this one will also come in a "head case," this time shaped like Maggie's head. If you're like me and prefer something more "shelf friendly" you can also purchase the less fancy regular-shaped box.

(S17E19) "Honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you I feel like I'm doing it with a dude." --Homer, to Marge

Last night's episode grew on me slowly. To quote Lisa from an early episode, it started off kind of "meh" but by the end I was drawn into its hysterical appraisal of both sexes and their inherent flaws. The Itchy and Scratchy musical at the beginning had some moments that cracked me up, but spoofing the Lion King musical seems like an idea whose time had passed long ago.