miss j

(S08E09) The CoverGirl commercial is inevitably the Hindenburg of every America's Next Top Model cycle.

All season it lingers in the background, threatening to set the whole series ablaze in a wholeheartedly entertaining inferno, and I looked forward to it with the glee of a chronic arsonist.

The best part was, we had four potential catalysts for fire this season.

First there's Natasha and her heavy Russian accent and broken English. Then there's Dionne "That's-Coo" Wholahay and the fact that she thinks Grammar is an actor on Cheers and Frasier.

Next, there's Jaslene who I've dubbed, "Double Neg" because I don't think I've never heard no one use no more double negatives in my life. Finally, we have the self-proclaimed "spreader of light", Jael. No need for me to beat her speaking habits into the ground any further.

Oh yes, this episode promised to be nuclear in proportions, and I sat eagerly in my living room with the champagne of beers and a fire extinguisher, ready to watch as the girls offended every Australian on the planet with their hideous Aussie accents.

(S08E08) Okay, in a slight departure from the norm, because we're just over the halfway point of the season, and because I was feeling inspired, I decided it was time to hand out some mid-season awards and titles to the contestants as they related to this episode.

Before the season began, if someone told me I'd be able to churn out 600-700 words an episode on a show like this, I'd have laughed in their face, but here we are pushing 1300.

Without further ado.

The Stephen Crane, Red Badge of Courage award goes to:

Brittany, who actually had a "red badger of discouragement", killed and removed from her scalp this week.

I think the show's producers did her quite the injustice by forcing her to be at war with a a live mammal for half the season.

I think Brit showed a lot of heart making it this far considering she was at such a disadvantage. If she made it this far in pain, it'll be interesting to see how well she fairs in good health.

(S08E07) I never know what I'm going to get with most of the models on a week to week basis. For a while Jael was stepping up her game. Then, this week she entered the "tripping acid zone" and lost her mind at the celebrity social.

Jaslene was flawless week after week after week. Then, she summoned the inner drag-queen that's been fighting to be released all season, and her photos ended up being a bit of a mess this week.

Dionne was pretty much blending in with the scenery the first five episodes, and now she's suddenly one of the more prominent models on the show. The same argument could be made for Natasha.

Brittany was a star the first few shows, but somewhere around the time she got the red badger cross-stitched into her skull, she lost something. Finally, Sara and Whitney seemed really confident for a while, but now seem really unsure of their abilities.

(S08E06) Renee was playing some serious mind games with the large figured models this episode when she dropped the comment saying "there would never be a plus-sized model on the cover of Vogue."

The worst part is, Diana and Whitney seemed to have consumed the bait as they both performed pretty poorly this week.

Renee is either utlizing a very clever strategy or she's just plain rude and happens to be the beneficiary of the results. I'd be willing to wager on the latter.

I'm seriously running out of ways to call Renee evil and we're only six episodes into the season. I thought Satan was appropriate but somehow it doesn't quite do her justice. I think I'm just going to start calling her Lord Voldermort and be done with it. From now on Renee, who remains my pick to win this thing, will be referred to as Lord Voldermort or "she who we do not name". I think it's a better fit for her.

(S08E05) I mentioned that I thought the title to this week's episode was in reference to Renee. I know, it wasn't too much of a stretch considering she is the body in the house who could most benefit from an attitude adjustment.

Turns out my premonition was right. Renee made a concentrated effort to be nicer to the girls in the house this week. Sure the drawing she lovingly gave Jael looked liked it was doodled by a mentally challenged chimpanzee with no arms, but it was a move in the right direction, and I can't fault her for that.

What I can fault her for is reverting from "the girl who changes her attitude" back to "the girl who wants to bleeping beat them all bleeping down" -- all by minute 24 of the show. Really Renee? You can go from being nice to the girls to wanting to do physical harm to them that quickly? I think a more appropriate title for this episode would have been, "The Girl Who is Bipolar."

Of course, I'm still picking her crazy ass to win.

(S08E04) Looking at the title of this week's show I was 100% positive the girl who cried all the time was going to be Renee.

Although she's my controversial pick to win the entire competition, I couldn't agree more with some of the comments in my previous posts that called Renee "a whiny, bitchtastic pain in the butt who thinks she's tough, but in reality, cries too much and needs therapy." I'm paraphrasing.

Instead, the title was in reference to Brittany, which came as a bit of a surprise to me since she's been pretty nondescript until this episode.

In my opinion, Brittany had a pretty decent reason to be crying and complaining. Being a guy, I can't claim to know the distress that accompanies having fake hair stitched into your scalp, but it sounds about as appealing as being beaten repeatedly in my nether regions with a meat tenderizer, which is the exact opposite of awesome.

(S08E03) So when this episode's first piece of "Tyra mail" made its way into the model mansion it read, "Babies learn how to do it, can you?"

Call me a prophet, but somehow I knew the answer to this question was not "bite, masticate, and digest".

I know skinniness is all the rage in the modeling industry, but holy crap! Some of these girls look like it's day 30 of Survivor and they're part of the downtrodden tribe, sustaining themselves solely on a diet of coconut husks, sea cucumbers, and bark.

I always halfway expect to see Jeff Probst pop out from behind something and offer one of these girls a hamburger in exchange for immunity.

I always have mixed feelings about the Top Model premiere. While I always look forward to a new season of Top Model, the premiere feels too long. Two hours? I think that if they wanted to trim the fat a bit, they could seriously get it down to a hour and a half...at least. In fact, they should just get rid of that first hour all together. I don't care about the girls who get cut before making it to the house. I always think I care about them, but as soon as they are cut, I forget they exist.

Speaking of the house...