modeling

(S08E09) The CoverGirl commercial is inevitably the Hindenburg of every America's Next Top Model cycle.

All season it lingers in the background, threatening to set the whole series ablaze in a wholeheartedly entertaining inferno, and I looked forward to it with the glee of a chronic arsonist.

The best part was, we had four potential catalysts for fire this season.

First there's Natasha and her heavy Russian accent and broken English. Then there's Dionne "That's-Coo" Wholahay and the fact that she thinks Grammar is an actor on Cheers and Frasier.

Next, there's Jaslene who I've dubbed, "Double Neg" because I don't think I've never heard no one use no more double negatives in my life. Finally, we have the self-proclaimed "spreader of light", Jael. No need for me to beat her speaking habits into the ground any further.

Oh yes, this episode promised to be nuclear in proportions, and I sat eagerly in my living room with the champagne of beers and a fire extinguisher, ready to watch as the girls offended every Australian on the planet with their hideous Aussie accents.

(S08E07) I never know what I'm going to get with most of the models on a week to week basis. For a while Jael was stepping up her game. Then, this week she entered the "tripping acid zone" and lost her mind at the celebrity social.

Jaslene was flawless week after week after week. Then, she summoned the inner drag-queen that's been fighting to be released all season, and her photos ended up being a bit of a mess this week.

Dionne was pretty much blending in with the scenery the first five episodes, and now she's suddenly one of the more prominent models on the show. The same argument could be made for Natasha.

Brittany was a star the first few shows, but somewhere around the time she got the red badger cross-stitched into her skull, she lost something. Finally, Sara and Whitney seemed really confident for a while, but now seem really unsure of their abilities.

(S08E06) Renee was playing some serious mind games with the large figured models this episode when she dropped the comment saying "there would never be a plus-sized model on the cover of Vogue."

The worst part is, Diana and Whitney seemed to have consumed the bait as they both performed pretty poorly this week.

Renee is either utlizing a very clever strategy or she's just plain rude and happens to be the beneficiary of the results. I'd be willing to wager on the latter.

I'm seriously running out of ways to call Renee evil and we're only six episodes into the season. I thought Satan was appropriate but somehow it doesn't quite do her justice. I think I'm just going to start calling her Lord Voldermort and be done with it. From now on Renee, who remains my pick to win this thing, will be referred to as Lord Voldermort or "she who we do not name". I think it's a better fit for her.

(S08E04) Looking at the title of this week's show I was 100% positive the girl who cried all the time was going to be Renee.

Although she's my controversial pick to win the entire competition, I couldn't agree more with some of the comments in my previous posts that called Renee "a whiny, bitchtastic pain in the butt who thinks she's tough, but in reality, cries too much and needs therapy." I'm paraphrasing.

Instead, the title was in reference to Brittany, which came as a bit of a surprise to me since she's been pretty nondescript until this episode.

In my opinion, Brittany had a pretty decent reason to be crying and complaining. Being a guy, I can't claim to know the distress that accompanies having fake hair stitched into your scalp, but it sounds about as appealing as being beaten repeatedly in my nether regions with a meat tenderizer, which is the exact opposite of awesome.

Diss her Oprah wannabe ways. Shame her production company's union-busting agenda. Recoil at her transformation into a finger-snappin', head-rollin' drag queen. But, don't say that Tyra Banks is anything short of fearless. In People Magazine's February 5th issue, Banks reveals her actual weight, which has fluctuated between 148 and 162 pounds since she quit modeling in 2005. Banks was upset when unflattering photos of her in a bathing suit appeared online after a Sydney vacation with such headlines as "Tyra Banks is Fat." "It was such a strange meanness and rejoicing that people had when thinking that was what my body looked like. It was really hurtful to me." Banks says that she's "not the healthiest eater" and "not required to live up to that model standard anymore."

You're right, Tyra. You're not required to live up to that standard anymore so the next time you decide to go online do it from on top of a big pile of money that you earned modeling - beer in one hand, Hot Pocket in the other. If it would make you feel better to do something nice for someone else, you could always give your writers health insurance.

American viewers will get a peek at the UK's version of Next Top Model in two British Invasion highlight specials to be aired on the CW on December 13th and 20th. The British version of the popular modeling competition features challenges similar to its US counterpart - physically trying photo shoots, model calls and catwalk throw-downs.

Each of the specials will collapse an entire "cycle" of the show so we'll get to see the introductions, makeovers, cringe-inducing acting forays and crowning of Britain's next top model in one two hour span. We'll also get to see Cycle One host Lisa Butcher replaced by Cycle Two host Lisa Snowden thanks to Lisa Number One's lame, wooden performance. This reverses the tactic taken by the show's US cousin which replaced lunatic judge Janice Dickinson with the lame, wooden Twiggy.

(S03E09) Hurray, Bree finally threw Orson out! Not, mind you, that I think he is completely guilty (I think that is where we are being led, but I think it's too obvious. I am hoping for a twist). I am just happy that that storyline is moving forward. Boo, it looks from the previews like she lets him come back next week!

Why sit around listlessly waiting for a new episode of Project Runway tonight? PR viewers, fashionistas, and celebrity watchers can now check out all thing style-related with the launch of our sister-site StyleDash, where the team of bloggers includes TV Squad's own beloved Annie Wu, Deidre Woollard, and others. Good luck guys, looking good!

Right now, StyleDash has some juicy stories about Kate Moss, Heidi Klum, and the answer to the question, "What is size 0X?" All this and the ten best bras ever. When you're done here, head on over to say hello, make some new friends, and see what you can do to spruce yourself up a bit.

(S03E06) After Heidi told the designers that they've had it relatively easy all season, she sent them to Newark, New Jersey to learn about their new, tougher challenge. There, Tim presented them with several massive mounds of mylar and peanut bags and paper. The designers were challenged to create an outfit out of three bins' worth of this recyclable material. Plus, they had a budget of only $25 (limited to only art supplies) and had to finish it by midnight that night (instead of their normal two days). Crunch time!

Things are really starting to heat up on the networks this week as seven new shows grace the schedule. Most notable, Dennis Haysbert returns to television in The Unit, which is produced by genius playwright David Mamet. ABC also launches its new part-scripted, part-improvised comedy, Brothers and Sisters, and the race-swapping reality show, Black.White, makes its debut on FX. Oh, and Lil' Kim gets her last 15 minutes of fame before going to the slammer.

• Pros Vs. Joes, Mondays @ 10pm on Spike (premieres March 6)
• Ordinary people face off against pro athletes like Karl Malone, Bo Jackson, Jerry Rice, Jennie Finch, etc. This is for sports fans with big mouths.

• The Unit, Tuesdays @ 9 on CBS (premieres March 7)
• Dennis Haysbert returns to action-packed television, this time as the leader of a special ops team that goes on risky missions across the globe. The show is about the missions, but also about how the families at home handle the stress of living in secret. Produced by David Mamet.