models

It is tough being a model in the kitchen. Your taut bare midriff is a cooking oil accident waiting to happen. Your chainmail bikini plus all those flying knives equals nothing good, and don't even get me started on the whole stiletto/non-slip mat combination. Ex-model and Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi has bravely faced down the hottest of kitchens all season, and for what? She's getting nothing but guff from the ousted Top Chef competitors.

Reporting to New York Magazine, cooks Ilan Hall, Cliff Crooks and Sam Talbot have all turned tight-lipped and a wee bit sour at mention of Padma's name. When asked about her culinary taste, Hall turned to the Bravo publicist at his side and asked, "Um, are we allowed to say disparaging things about Padma? No. She's beautiful. Mostly, she just explained things, and she did a good job at that." Commenting on her attire, Crooks suggested that around a working kitchen, poor Padma would either be a "fire hazard" or "get hurt." Somebody's got to be the face of this competition, people. Give Ms. Salman Rushdie a break.

(S10E13) Three teams, one last race. The teams are sent breathlessly hurtling around the globe, starting with Paris. For some reason this is the most boring finale I have seen in a long time. Truly. There are no big challenges, no real jaw-dropping moments and at the end, no real emotional payout. One of the reasons I watch the Race is for the cry-inducing finale. I'm going to have to watch the second half of that ABC home improvement show in order to get my supply of Sunday weeping.

I've already given my review of Deal Or No Deal on these pages, and Joel gave his counterpoint, so this isn't another review of the entire show, it's just an observation I have about one particular part of the show.

After a player decides to take the money, screams "Deal!" and presses the button, Howie (and viewers) want to see what WOULD have happened if the player had continued to play the game. So he'll ask "what number suitcase would you have picked?" And then the player tells him. But this is illogical. Until you're in that moment of a decision, you don't really know what you would have picked. You can think you'd pick a certain thing, but until you're faced with that decision, you don't really know, you're just guessing.

It's even worse when Howie asks the player what they would have picked after that , and then after that. You don't really know what suitcase you would have picked one, two, or three moves down the line. Makes for OK television though.

(S03E13) Damn it. Why must they tease us? This episode had nothing. Nothing. They should have just made tonight a two-hour special, declared the winner, and put us out of our anxious, hand-wringing misery.

But no. We have to wait until next week to find out the Season Three winner.

We didn't even get to the bottom of the Laura/Jeffrey scandal (which wasn't as exciting as I hoped)! It's a double-cliffhanger, folks, the very worst kind of cliffhanger.

(S03E10) Damn those Project Runway producers. Damn. Them. To. Hell. How dare they bring back Vincent and Angela?... In the same episode?! I almost threw up on myself, I was so furious. I thought my Runway-related anger was ready to retire, but I guess it was too soon. No. The producers just had to make my blood boil one more time and now I've learned not to trust them. I'm ready for absolutely anything now... Go on, producers. Do your worst. Bring Wendy Pepper back and stick her in the final challenge.

I take that back. Please, please, please, for the love of everything that is good and holy, do not bring Wendy Pepper back.

(S03E06) After Heidi told the designers that they've had it relatively easy all season, she sent them to Newark, New Jersey to learn about their new, tougher challenge. There, Tim presented them with several massive mounds of mylar and peanut bags and paper. The designers were challenged to create an outfit out of three bins' worth of this recyclable material. Plus, they had a budget of only $25 (limited to only art supplies) and had to finish it by midnight that night (instead of their normal two days). Crunch time!

(S03E02) The absolutely stunning special guest Miss USA, Tara Conner, asked the designers to create a dress for her Miss Universe appearance. Her only requests: yes to earth-tones, no to white, backless is a plus. What an amazing opportunity! Especially this early in the game. All fourteen designers presented sketches to Tara, but she chose only seven to be created. The seven chosen designers had to pick teammates. Angela was incredibly annoying because she kept bugging at Kayne to pick her. Everyone in the room heard her, so she ended up being chosen last... by Vincent (and she had to correct him when he called her "Alison"... Insult to injury, yeah?).

A television writer is suing Jennifer Lopez and UPN, claiming they stole his idea for a television show. Jack Bunick claims that South Beach was his idea and it was based on his real-life move from Brooklyn to Miami and his involvement in the modeling scene. Bunick says the season premiere on January 11th was a copy of the script he wrote for a show he called South Beach Miami. Bunick says his show idea was about two men who move from Brooklyn, get involved in modeling and clubs, but struggle fit in to Miami. That's pretty much the current show. UPN reportedly received a copy of that script from his agent, but the network never contacted him about the program. Jennifer Lopez is entangled in this mess because she is an executive producer of South Beach.

On the first season of Project Runway, just one episode was enough to convince me that Daniel Franco was a little loopy. A little too much craziness and dancing but not enough talent to back it up. When he returned for another season, he definitely toned it down a little (good for you, Daniel!) but the folks at Project Runway still managed to portray him as the token weirdo. For example, when the designers had to show Heidi their sketches and ideas for the lingerie competition, Daniel whispered to her, "I want to show you something beautiful" and gave her this really weird smile. Whoa, buddy. Awkward. Well, giving him the "auf wiedersehen" didn't end the creepiness because on the latest episode (the reunion one), he said, seemingly out of nowhere, "I love you, Heidi".

I didn't think anything could outshine an episode of dresses made of plants. And nothing can...except maybe Santino's Tim impression. I love the Tim impression! It's the greatest thing about Santino. They seriously should have featured it on the show way back in week one. If they would have, I probably wouldn't have built up this hatred towards Santino. Well, I don't hate him...it's just so hard to completely love him. He is Santino. But the Tim impression was absolutely marvelous, and I love the fact that the extended version featured a fictionalized love quarrel between Tim and Andrae at the Red Lobster. Not enough gay fashion fights happen at the Red Lobster, but they should!

When I heard the designers were going to be designing a party dress for a famous New York socialite, I knew it had to be Paris Hilton. It just had to be. The girl makes cameos in all the things I love -- burger commercials, The OC, porn. As turns out, it was her more respectable, more innocent (?) sister Nicky, who was the mystery socialite.

OK, yeah, I sat through the new NBC game show hosted by Howie Mandel. Supposedly it's the #1 game show around the world right now, but I just don't get it. I mean, it's a simple enough game, and it's possible to win a boatload of cash, but it really gets tedious after about, oh, 20 minutes.

There are 26 models on stage, each holding a suitcase. Each suitcase has an amount of money in it, ranging from a penny to $1,000,000. The contestant picks a suitcase, which is brought down to them and sits next to them while they play the game. The contestant keeps picking suitcases to see the amounts inside, and during the game a mysterious banker calls Howie and makes the contestant an offer for her suitcase. This continues on and on and on until you want to hurt someone.

Not only did the first contestant take too many illogical chances, but the whole bit with the banker is ridiculous. Great models though.