How did this evolution occur? Did the average young male grow tired of trying to impress shallow women their own age who wouldn't pay attention to them if a shark was eating them? Were older women going broke from the rising cost of chlorophyll? What chemical imbalance caused this carnivorous and shallow love affair and how can I increase it without melting my brain in the microwave?
Maybe the true answer is like opening the Ark of the Covenant. The only way to walk away from its truth unscathed means not opening your eyes to it. So here are the hottest TV moms who could make any guy turn his knob in their direction (thanks to the digital switch, that innuendo no longer works so enjoy that image I put in your head).
Liz Lemon can hardly believe she's dating the handsome, cake-baking Dr. Drew (guest star Jon Hamm), but the relationship with her dream guy may come to a screeching halt tonight.
One of Liz's obsessions is fairness, and she finds out something particularly troubling about Drew: his good looks and charm have given him a pass on dealing with the unpleasantries of daily life. Of course, she could just decide to enjoy the collateral benefits of Drew's good luck, but then she wouldn't be the Liz Lemon we know and love to laugh at. Er, with.
Meanwhile, the very future of 'TGS' is in jeopardy when Tracy's contract expires, and Jack has to come up with a way to make him stay.
It's been fun and all – seeing Joy trying to fit in with her 'Knots Landing'-ish cul-de-sac neighbors was a hoot – but tonight's 'Earl' may finally bring an end to Joy and Darnell, aka Crab Man's, Witness Protection Program jaunt, and it's all because of a visit from Darnell's long-lost papa.
Danny Glover plays the senior Crab Man, who pops up in Camden to make amends with his boy. But Earl and Randy (well, Earl, anyway) suspect he has other motives, and when they set off to find and warn Darnell, it leads to a father/son undercover mission and, hopefully, a return to the trailer park for Joy and her fam.
When it came time to put together this list, I wondered if I'd be able to find ten viable and qualified bananas on the airwaves today. But I guess I needn't have worried. It looks like Barney was an inspiration (in more ways than one) to the current crop of second bananas. They litter their peels all over the television landscape, leaving us to trip over in laughter time and time again at their antics. But how do they stack up? Who's the biggest fruit in the tree? There's only one way to find out!
(8PM, CBS) 18th season premiere
Well, there's certainly no time wasted in this season premiere.
Season 18's 16 castaways are shipped off to the harsh interior Brazilian state of Tocantins, where they've already been divided into two teams. And before the contestants have a chance to form any alliances – or even get to know each others' names, for that matter – each team is forced to oust one player.
And that's a mere taste of the drama to come, from a contestant pool that includes a college soccer coach, a member of the R&B girl group SWV, a former Miss Ohio and, at age 19, Spencer Duhm, the youngest 'Survivor' contestant ever.
The new fall pilots don't excite me very much, what with all of the cops, doctors and lawyers. But I know networks, and original ideas aren't exactly the "in" thing.
So, why can't we design some spin-offs? You know, the networks might go for some ideas based on hit shows, and we can make them a little bit unique, right? Let's add in some elements that excite us to some familiar characters and see if we can't create some new spin-off pilots better than the actual ones.
That big hour-long, post-Super Bowl episode of 'The Office' (with guest stars Jack Black, Cloris Leachman and Jessica Alba) is just a little more than a week away, but tonight's installment is no slouch, either.
The latest Michael/Dwight scheme unfolds while the rest of the Dunder Mifflin gang ponder an important, um, current events issue. The Schrute and Michael go undercover to investigate Prince Paper, a DM rival who may be whisking away valuable Scranton clients.
Meanwhile, back at the office, the other employees debate the question: Is Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank hot or not?
Oh sure, there may be 12 shows a stinkin', but there's still reason to tune in. See just like advertisers, show-runners and TV executives know that sex sells. And hot chicks sell. And hot chicks selling their sexuality sell like hotcakes ... or chicks ... I never can get that right. But just being hot and sexy isn't enough. To really sell it, they need to be as close to naked as legally allowed on the airwaves. We're talking "Oops, sorry to barge in on you standing there in your underwear bending over the bed pulling on your fishnet stockings. Nice rack."
Sometimes near-nudity, and even nudity, legitimately serves the plot. Let's face it, Anna Paquin had to bang that vampire on True Blood so she was going to have to get naked. It's a necessity. But Yvonne Strahovski on Chuck? Does she have to be in her underwear that often to protect the Intersect? Was it required by Simon Elder that Karen Darling be in her underwear in order to talk to him? Of course not. But it's hot and that's the way we like it. Hell, they made Catalina a stripper on My Name is Earl.
Liz Lemon is a successful New York City TV writer and producer, so you'd think she'd be excited to brag about her accomplishments at her high school reunion, right?
Wrong ... when the 'TGS' honcho gets her invitation, she recalls her embarrassing high school days and what's currently lacking in her personal life and decides to skip the 'My Name Is ...' badge and a stroll down memory lane with her classmates.
But Jack, always pushing Liz to break out of her 'socially retarded' shell, urges her to go, and when he gets bad news from just-out-of-his-coma GE head Don Geiss, Jack decides to he needs a change of scenery to blow off steam. Which is how he ends up as Liz's reunion date.
No, no, don't worry ... there'll be no "Bobby in the shower" scene as original 'ER' cast member Anthony Edwards returns to guest star in tonight's episode.
Dr. Mark Greene, sadly, is still dead from that season eight brain tumor. Instead, he returns via a flashback that cleverly sheds light on the past of Dr. Banfield (Angela Bassett). Stressed out from her hospital duties, Banfield decides to go for a run, where she happens upon a three-year-old girl who's drowning in a lake.
While trying to save the tot, Banfield flashes back to years earlier, when her son was a patient at County, and Dr. Greene was caring for him.
(9:30PM, NBC) 3rd season premiere
If '30 Rock's' second-consecutive Outstanding Comedy Series Emmy brings in new viewers, this episode will be an intro to the show at its best.
Liz Lemon (Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series Tina Fey) has decided there's room to fill in her life after an 80-hour work week, so she's trying to adopt a baby.
But first, she has to impress adoption agent Bev (guest star Megan Mullally), who stops by the office just as Tracy is celebrating the success of his pornographic video game and Jack (Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series Alec Baldwin) may have to sleep with Geiss's soap opera addict, Dora underpants-wearing, Mark Wahlberg-lovin' daughter to get his GE job back.
(9PM, ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox)
To quote that great American philosopher Matthew McConaughey, alright, alright, alright.
After weeks of character assassinations and wild accusations being bandied about amongst the candidates, we voters get our first shot at hearing Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her Democratic opponent Joe Biden go head-to-head. PBS political pundit Gwen Ifill hosts the debate, which has already caused the Barack Obama and John McCain camps stress.
Both presidential contenders are reportedly worried that their inexperienced, "gaffe-prone" veep contenders "could commit a momentum-changing misstep in their debate." Sounds like must-see-TV to us.
My Name is Earl: The Magic Hour/Vote For This and I Promise to do Something Crazy at the Emmys (season premiere)
(S04E1/S04E02) "Kenny, I'll get you a Wet-Nap. Your people love those." - Earl Hickey
Well, they wasted no time getting Earl back on track this season.
I must admit that while I enjoyed some of Earl's coma dreams and most of his stay in prison, even I was relieved to see the list back in play.
It's been so long since I've seen Seth Green be funny in anything, I forgot how funny he actually is. Seeing how Green spends a good part of his career making short films and animation that mercilessly mock the current state of cinema, he was the perfect choice for his role.
(9PM, NBC) 5th season premiere
It's all about 'The Office' romances in the season opener, as Jim's missing Pam (who's off in New York City at art school) and Michael's still loopy about newbie HR rep Holly (who actually may be his perfect match).
Meanwhile, Dwight, Angela and the hapless Andy are caught up in a little love triangle (even if one of them doesn't know it).
As for the rest of the Dunder Mifflin cube dwellers, the Scranton office is caught up in a weight-loss war with the other branches, and, as you might guess, such a sensitive topic can only lead to some particularly Dunder-headed remarks from the oh-so-politically incorrect Mr. Scott.
The CW may have kicked off its fall season on Labor Day, but for most of the other networks, things are just getting started. So what does that mean for you? Heavy promotion for not only the new shows premiering this fall, but for returning favorites as well. To that end, My Name Is Earl creator Greg Garcia and star Jason Lee spoke with reporters recently about Earl's upcoming 4th season.
My Name Is Earl returns for its 4th season on NBC with two back-to-back episodes, September 25 at 8pm. Not only did Garcia and Lee give us a taste of what to expect when we catch up with our favorite Camdenites, but they also dished the dirt on dream guest stars, what previous guest star peed over by craft services, if an Earl movie is in the works, and perhaps a word or two about a famously abrasive 30 Rock star. All of the details are after the jump.
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