oscars 2006

"Hamas Appeal": Ladies and gentlemen, please meet Irony. The Palestinian elections took place and everything went fairly smoothly, with a huge voter turnout. Big step towards democracy, right? Sort of. Despite the smoothness of the event, the result was that the majority voted for the terrorist group, Hamas. Ouch. What a kick in the teeth.

Cue the ominous music, because Osama's back with a new video, threatening more attacks on American soil. He also offered, in return for some favors, a truce, a sort of olive branch... a terrible, terrible burning olive branch. If you missed any of Osama's videos, just check him out on iTunes, where you can find all his latest hits (including "Death Cab for Cutie to America" and "In Da Cave"). It won't be long until he starts podcasting.

It's Martin Luther King day, ladies and gentleman. In honor of this day, the FBI will spy on all of us. What a treat!

"Nukes of Hazard": Iran announced the reinstitution of its uranium fun time. Bush responded by showing off his use of the word "diplomacy". He can use it in sentence form... but can he spell it... backwards?! Well, bottom line is that Bush really likes "diplomacy". The word, anyway.

"Sam's Club": Sam Alito's confirmation hearings have garnered nothing but a lot of boring talk from the Senate. Senators Dewine, Biden, Leahy, and Kennedy have a showdown to see who can talk the longest without asking a question... The competition goes on for over eight and a half minutes before a winner can be chosen (Dewine). Damn, these geezers like to talk. When questions were actually asked, they were rather strange... For example, Alito was asked what he would do if, speaking purely hypothetically, murder was made illegal. I guess the Senator posing the question just couldn't think of any better examples. Anyway, without another thought, Jon leaped out of the studio and strangled a hobo, only to find out that murder is already illegal. Nuts.

Ahnold Swahzennegah can do absolutely anything and defeat absolutely anyone... in the movies, anyway. In real life, he can't tackle an overpass without getting fifteen stitches. "I'll be bahck... to get my stitches out next Tuesday... Till then, I'm not allowed to swim..." A picture of Arnold popped up behind Jon with the words "It is not a tumor!" across it. I think this was the first time in a long time that I actually laughed out loud at one of the image jokes. Still makes me giggle... hee.

"Sam's Club": Ahh... The Senate hearings for Alito have started. Reactions have been mixed all over Washington... Bush hoped for dignified dignity with an extra side of dignity (which means no ball-scratching), Dick Durbin tried pinning Alito to the recent mining tragedy, and Tom Coburn tried throwing abortion and the "hey, if sodomy is protected, why isn't prostitution?" card in. Ladies and gentlemen, the definition of class! Commence your sarcastic slow-clap. Jon really did do a poor Jerry Seinfeld impression, haha. The Seinfeld twangy-bass-theme noise made up for it though.

Jon seemed to be really honored that he was chosen to host the 2006 Oscars (bwaha! Next... President!). Sure, he may not have been that great in the movies, but I'm sure he'll be brilliant hosting an event about the movies.

Israel's prime minister, Ariel Sharon, suffered a bad stroke and Pat Robertson decided to be a jerk about it, saying that Sharon had a stroke because he divided God's land. Real sympathetic, man. Jon, however, questioned Robertson's reasoning. Dividing God's land caused a stroke? Well, judging by just the pictures of Sharon, the cause seems more likely to be "fat, age, and stress... Unless God was personally force-feeding Sharon knishes".