On the Jackassworld website, they have a "feature" called the "AlphaPoo". This is a collection of 26 pictures of... er, human poo... that resembles the alphabet. I don't bring this up because it's clever (in fact, if there is a bright center of clever in the universe, the AlphaPoo is the idea farthest from it); I bring it up because writing this feature about Jackass reminded me of poo. Specifically, poo that you want to come out but won't.

See, almost four weeks ago, I was sent to MTV Studios to cover the 24 hour Jackass "takeover" of the network to celebrate the premiere of Jackassworld. I figured that I would write up a few hundred words the next day and everyone would be happy. Instead, this article has festered in the bowels of my brain for almost a month. Enough is enough. I've taken some mental Metamucil (i.e. Scotch) and I'm just going to let it rip...

(S10E09) Almost immediately after the events of 9/11, conspiracy theories began to crop up, and probably faster than ever before now that we had the internet and a way to instantaneously transmit gross misinformation and conclusions rife with logical fallacies. I think Cartman best summed up this episode with a line from his song about finding the truth behind 9/11: "I can't base my logic on proof."

While Mr. Macke tries to find out which boy took a crap in one of the urinals, Cartman decides to finally get to the bottom of 9/11. He presents his finding in class, and by using tortured logic, doctored photos and actually 9/11 conspiracy theories that are easily debunked by anyone with the ability to think rationally, he proves to the class that it was in fact Kyle who was behind it all along. What's especially funny about this is that Cartman hates Kyle, and obviously began his research wanting to prove Kyle's involvement. The same bass-ackward approach is exactly what causes anti-Semites to blame 9/11 on a Jewish plot, and every kid from a liberal arts college with a DSL connection and a gravity bong to blame the event on a government plot meant to increase public favor for invading the Middle East. When Cartman points out that one fourth of the population believe there was a conspiracy behind 9/11, Stan wisely points out that one fourth of the population is probably retarded.

No, seriously, he's playing an actual piece of crap in this hilarious short film featuring himself and director Michael Gondry. In this short, titled "One Day," Gondry tries to leave David the giant poo in a public toilet, but the giant poo wants nothing to do with that. Instead, he chases Gondry down and accuses him of trying to commit murder via toilet flush. Defeated, Gondry lets the poo follow him around, which leads to a hilarious scene in a restaurant where David wipes food on other patrons and asks a fat man where it is he buys his candy, cause Gondry would really like some. The whole thing ends with a rather odd non sequitur, but I'll let you check it out for yourselves.