I love Christmas. It is the best holiday. If all of the holidays grew asses, Christmas could kick every other holiday's ass by ripping off their ass and beating them to death with said ass.

It's perfect on every conceivable level. It aims to achieve total peace and tranquility of the human spirit and singularity of the soul through the selfless act of giving. Of course, in order for that to work, someone has to be on the receiving end and I'm more than willing to have my every dream fulfilled in the name of calming the cosmic waves.

So here's my wish list to Santa or Jesus or Buddha or whomever holds the universe in balance for things to suck less until the next holiday.

John Hodgman's public lambasting of the BBC for not bringing QI to America didn't explain the network's reason for their decision, other than Dumb Ol' America is so dumb (how dumb are we?) that when we go to a sperm bank, we ask the teller for a BLANK.

Thankfully, Hodgman isn't the only man coming to the U.S.A.'s defense. John Lloyd, the show's executive producer, feels the same way so much so that he was willing to interrupt his vacation in Turkey to chat with me about it.

"Garth Ancier (BBC America chief) is convinced that Americans 'won't get it'," Lloyd said in an email. "We disagree (of course!)."

John Hodgman seems like a gentle and mellow soul who uses wit, grace and intelligence to make his arguments, instead of more American methods of debate, such as yelling, name-calling or numb-chucks nunchucks.

However, when something gets stuck in his craw, he can unleash an unholy tornado of rage and seething anger. He can muster the unstoppable force of an undersea volcano and spew forth a raw stream of pointed arguments and reasoned thinking that could melt the butt off of an Eastern gray squirrel.

This time, Hodgman pointed his pressure washer of wit towards BBC America for refusing to pick up a comedy panel quiz show called QI.

This is my first Festivus. So I hope you can allow me to be a little more wide-eyed and naive, much like the small child who believes a large fat man can break the space-time continuum to bring him presents on Christmas morning.

My wishes are very simple. I want peace and happiness throughout the universe. I also want the entire movie and television industry to heed my warnings and follow my commands as if they have been written on stone tablets with a giant fiery pen from God's stationary set. I also want an army of obedient zombie knights to enforce these commands, and clean up my house, say around once a week.