red eye

The gang on 'Red Eye' (weekdays, 3 AM ET on Fox News) tackled a report that Congress is concerned federal employees at the National Science Foundation have been watching porn on the tax payers' dime.

"In one case a former exec who spent at least 331 days looking at illicit websites tried to explain that his online chats with nude lasses helped provide a living to impoverished women overseas," Greg Gufteld explained.

The panel seemed to agree that was at least an interesting excuse for porn-watching, and expressed mostly sympathy for National Science Foundation workers who feel the need to turn to cyber-flesh during work hours.

"Can you blame these guys, science was the most boring subject in high school," quipped comedian Nick Di Paulo.

Then writer John Devore got sort of poetic while making a small government argument:

"Bureaucrats who are watching porn are bureaucrats who can do no harm."

Greg Gutfeld asked Davison if he had a girlfriend, and Davison took this seemingly innocent question in a wacky, somewhat deranged direction.

It turns out Davison's girlfriend wants Davison to become the radical "he always wanted to be." And how is he supposed to do that?

"(I need to) get other radicals into the fold," Davison explained, passion swelling. "Get Roland Martin, Rachel Maddow, Harvey from TMZ, go get Rich Sanchez or Anderson Cooper -- he keeps it real!" Davison screamed, head bobbing all over the place. "James Carville, the raggin' Cajun, come join me, let's have a political revolution!"

On "Red Eye' (weekdays, 3AM ET on Fox News), the crew had some fun with the new promos for the upcoming CNN show 'Parker Spitzer.'

In the promo, disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer (who was involved in a prostitution scandal) and columnist Kathleen Parker discuss what the show should be called, finally settling on 'Parker Spitzer.'

"The show sounds like a euphemism," Bill Schultz joked. "'Oh man, why you limping? 'I just got Parker Spitzered last night ... cost me a whole week's salary, but it was worth it."

"You hear about Parker Spitzer on a website from Germany," host Greg Gutfeld added.

Then Gutfeld asked comedian Greg Proops if he thought the show would be a success.

"We're we supposed to see that, or was that found footage that they weren't supposed to show the public?" Proops, who clearly doesn't think the show will be a success, wondered

In Japan, there is a real brick and mortar resort which caters to men and their virtual girlfriends. The gang at 'Red Eye' (weekdays, 3 AM ET on FOX News) discussed this perplexing development.

"The hotel staff there are actually checking the man and his fictitious flame in as couples," explained host Greg Gutfeld. "And of course there is an iPhone app that allows peoples to take photos of themselves on their vacation and super-impose their 'girlfriends' into their picture".

"I think this story lends the itself to the best T-shirt slogan ever: 'My Girlfriend sits on my hard drive," quipped Brooke Goldstein. "But seriously though, if you can measure your soul-mate in megabytes, what does that say about your soul?"

"This just furthers the fact that I don't understand the Japanese at all," was comedian Jesse Joyce's wise take.

"Red Eye" (Weeknights, 3 AM ET Fox News) took on an report which suggests the proliferation of pornography in Iraq is a good sign for the future of the embattled nation.

"Apparently porn, in this theory, reflects how security has improved," host Greg Gutfeld explained. "When there's more porn, the world is safer -- I believe that Benjamin Franklin said that." (Ed note: he didn't.)

Singer Andrew WK had a sophisticated take on the theory: "I think that an oppressed and repressed society is going to go through a natural explosion of interest in things that they didn't have access to, and sexuality is an important phase for any culture to move through...We've got to embrace it."

But don't worry, comedian Paul Mecurio kept things lowbrow:

"Who knew that Jenna Jamison would be the key to Middle East peace," he declared. "Isn't this what we fought for, for them to have the freedom so we could objectify women and make money from them the way that true Americans do?"

On last night's 'Red Eye' (Weeknights 3 AM ET, on Fox News) host Greg Gutfeld and the gang got to debating just how smart President Obama really is.

"We have the most tone deaf president ever," Gutfeld complained. "He's smart, but he doesn't see that everyone is sick and tired..."

"You're still (using) the precursor 'he's smart,'" right-leaning comedian Dennis Miller injected. "Because I'm starting to wonder. Everybody does that, it's almost reflexive, it's like when they hit your knee with the rubber hammer -- 'He's smart but...'"

"I can't do the reflexive he's a wizard thing anymore" Miller continued. "We're starting to see some really stupid stuff, where if anyone else did this, they'd be Palinized."

Gutfeld agreed that he should probably stop qualifying his criticism of the president with a "he's smart but..."

He then offered an awkward compromise: "I should say he's hot but..."

The gang at 'Red Eye' (Weeknights 3 AM ET on Fox News) discussed a new dating site just for ugly people. Even though regular host Greg Gutfeld was on vacation, replaced by comedian Jim Norton, the issue was handled with Red Eye's typical brand of irreverent insensitivity.

Radio personality Anthony Cumia disputed the need for such a site: "We've had this years, it's usually called tequila at 4 AM."

Then S.E. Cupp got devious: "I'm thinking of ways to fraud the system already. I would ugly up, go on the site, and then reveal myself as attractive, just to establish myself as the best looking one on the site, and then take all the spoils.

"I was under the impression that on line dating was for ugly people anyway," was the opinion of attractive blond person Lauren Sivan, who gets the last word.

Responding to a new study that declared the superheroes of today -- like Iron Man -- encourage boys to be overly-aggressive sexist louts, the gang at 'Red Eye' (Weeknights, 3 AM ET on Fox News) emphatically stood up for the behavior of our current crop of men in tights.

"Their job isn't to be role models but to provide escapist entertainment for teenage boys," host Greg Gutfeld explained. "They are supposed to be tough and crazy and mean and sexist."

Then panelist Lauren Sivan endeared herself to macho-minded guys everywhere with this observation:

"I think more teenage boys should be a little more aggressive" she opined. "I really worry about raising a lot boys to just talk about their feelings -- and they're not going to get dates later in life because girls don't want a guy to come over and braid their hair and watch 'Eat, Pray, Love' They want some that they know can kick some butt when needed."

Something tells us 'Eat, Pray, Love' is going to be the go-to example of a hopeless chick flick for a long, long time.

In October, the comic strip 'Cathy' will be going dark after almost 34 years. The folks on 'Red Eye' (weeknight, 3 AM ET on Fox News) are more then happy to see it go.

Host Greg Gufteld called Cathy "a constantly depressed character" and "a hopeless harlot."

Then panelist John Moody disclosed that he "would not date a comic book character with only three fingers."

Most cruelly, Gutfeld blasted the two-dimensional spinster for sucking the sexy out of the entire comic strip experience.

"Remember Beetle Baily, the girls were sexy," Gutfeld explained. "Then Cathy came in, and all the sudden they were not sexy."

Kind of makes you want to give old Beetle Baily another look, doesn't it?

On Tuesday's 'Red Eye' (Weeknights, 3 AM ET on Fox News) television's really early morning zoo, ringleader Greg Gutfeld made a suggestion that is sure to entertain and offend: he wants to build a gay bar right next to the controversial "Ground Zero" mosque.

Not just any gay bar, but a gay bar that caters to Islamic men. "An entire floor, for example, will feature non-alcoholic drinks, since booze is forbidden by the faith," Gutfeld said.

"As you know, the Muslim faith doesn't look kindly upon homosexuality," Gutfeld explained. "Which is why I'm building this bar. It is an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world."

Gutfled claims his gay bar idea is completely serious and not an elaborate satire: "This is not a joke. I've already spoken to a number of investors, who have pledged their support in this bipartisan bid for understanding and tolerance."

What do you think about the Ground Zero Mosque gay bar: good idea or unnecessary provocation?

I know that I should go to bed earlier than I do. As you get older, you become more of a morning person, I think. I shouldn't be staying up until 1AM when I have to get up at 6AM. Having said that, I find myself staying up late and watching the late night talk shows and surfing around to see what's on the cable channels.

Here are my picks for the eight best things about late night TV right now. The stuff to watch with a bag of Doritos in one hand and the remote in the other.

1. Letterman's desk chat. This is the ten or fifteen minutes that starts after the first commercial break. It's Dave being his most Dave-est, when he just talks to the audience and to the camera and banters with Paul, usually telling a story about something that happened to him (such as that recent scandal) or going on a riff about something that irritates him. It's also the part of 'The Late Show' where we see some of the best comedy bits: on-the-street shenanigans, interaction with the audience, Stupid Pet Tricks, Lyle the Intern, visits with Rupert, Jay Thomas and his Lone Ranger story. This is the best part of the show.

• USA has a Burn Notice marathon all night.
• HBO has a True Blood marathon all night.
• AMC has a Three Stooges marathon all night.
• Syfy has a Twilight Zone marathon all night.
• TCM has Thin Man movies all night.
• Spike has TNA Wrestling all night.
• At 8, PBS has a new Live From Lincoln Center.
• BBC has a new Graham Norton Show at 8.
• At 8:30, Disney HD has four new episodes of Naruto: Shippuden.
• At 10, ABC has Dick Clark's Primetime New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2010 (until 11, then comes back at 11:30).
• NBC has New Year's Eve with Carson Daly (until 11, then comes back at 11:30).
• FOX News has Glenn Beck: Countdown to New Year's at 10, followed by an All-American New Year's and the Red Eye New Year's Eve Special.
• At 11, FOX has Billboard's New Year's Eve Live.

Check your local TV listings for more.

After the jump, the late night talk shows.

There used to be a lot of TV shows on overnight that were worth watching. I don't mean repeats of sitcoms or dramas that usually air earlier, but original programming geared towards the night owl. There aren't many shows like that anymore, but there's one on Fox News (yes, Fox News) at 3 AM and it's well worth catching (if you're worried about staying up that late, well, that's why God put DVRs on this Earth).

If I had to describe Red Eye it would be like this: it's a mix of Politically Incorrect and The McLaughlin Group, only for people who are up late at night drinking or eating too much junk food, with a host who comes at things from a conservative viewpoint but it's not really a political show. They go more for the jokes than they stress any ideology, and it's actually really funny. Like The Daily Show or The Colbert Report, it can't be easy to write a show that's on every single night, but host Greg Gutfeld pulls it off.

If you follow the "alternative comedy" scene, you've probably seen Neil Hamburger before. He's appeared on Tom Green's online talk show hosting "Poolside Chats," and has also popped up on Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, not to mention a few episodes of Jimmy Kimmel Live on ABC and Red Eye on the FoxNews channel.

Hamburger is actual Gregg Turkington, a musician, actor and writer who has released a few "comedy" albums. He resembles a lounge performer who was mugged just prior to getting on stage, and his sets consist of lots of bad jokes peppered with uncontrollable coughing fits. That is, however, the point of his act. He's not so much a bad comedian as he is someone playing a bad comedian, and once you're in on the gag, it's quite entertaining.

The Chicago Tribune has filed a trademark infringement lawsuit to stop the Fox News Channel from using the name Red Eye for its late-night round table show. For those of you outside of Chicago, RedEye is a weekday offering from the Tribune aimed at readers in their 20s and 30s. The Tribune has also requested unspecified damages. You may be wondering to yourself, did the Tribune sue the film Red Eye, too? No, they didn't, but the Tribune isn't just delivering the karmic comeuppance to Fox for their own "fair and balanced" lawsuit. There's a reason why the Tribune has gone all litigious.

Because Red Eye, which features blogger Greg Gutfeld as its host, covers current events, politics and pop culture in a colloquial manner - much as the Tribune's tabloid offering does - the assumption might be made that the two are collaborating. I'm not sure who would make that assumption, but apparently, someone would. So, there you go, another day in the life of intellectual property law.