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May 29, 2012

tv quotes

And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Jul 7th 2006 1:39PM

  • Star Jones"Star Jones, how can we miss you if you don't go away?" - Keith Olbermann, on Countdown.
  • "It's thinking like that that's forced women to live with their original ribs." - Nina, to Elliott, who said there's no such thing as surgery to have your belly button centered, on Just Shoot Me.
  • "He only sells them, he doesn't wear 'em." - George's mother, about her date with bra salesmen Sid Farkus after seeing her husband with a male bra on, on Seinfeld.
  • "This means she's now golddigging for two!" - David Letterman, about Anna Nicole Smith's pregnancy.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Jun 30th 2006 1:26PM

  • Star Jones"We're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do - look at bread!" - Ned, to his sons, after they asked what they were going to do today, on The Simpsons.
  • "And the chapters are only a couple of pages long so you feel really smart reading it." - Lois, to Stewie, about the women's book she's reading, on Family Guy.
  • "Her forehead is growing. She's up to a fivehead now." - Michael Musto, about Nicole Kidman, on Countdown With Keith Olbermann.
  • "CNN: The Most Trusted Name In AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" - Jon Stewart, after showing a story about what would happen if a barge blew up in Boston, on The Daily Show.
  • "You're about to become the main character in somebody's worst day ever." - Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson, counseling Detective Gabriel about telling parents that their son was killed, on The Closer.
  • "I hope you'll stay with us as long as you want." - Barbara Walters, to Star Jones, on the day Jones announced she was leaving The View.
  • "Regrettably, Star will no longer be on this program." - Barbara Walters, the next day.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Jun 23rd 2006 2:55PM

  • David Letterman"I'm not trying to be sexist, but women do laundry better than men!" - Tom, about losing the challenge and having to wash the team clothing, on Hell's Kitchen.
  • "A child born in Africa today has a 1 in 3 chance of being adopted by Angelina Jolie." - David Letterman, reading a list of facts.
  • "Everybody lies on their resume, OK? I wasn't one of the Zoom kids either." Joey, about why he lied about having a dance background, on Friends.
  • "You think that's a comeback, what about Patrick Dempsey?" - Dave Foley, after Phil Hellmuth mentioned a player at the World Series of Poker who came back to win after having only one chip left, on Celebrity Poker Showdown.
  • "What exactly did she need the pianist for?" - Jon Stewart, after showing a clip of Connie Chung on top of the piano, which the pianist wasn't playing, on The Daily Show.
  • "Ask about our rips in the space-time continuum and our jacuzzi suites." - voiceover on The Soup, about the movie The Lake House
  • "Reuben says he knew someone was using his credit card when his statement showed he had bought something called 'a salad?' - David Spade, on Reuben Studderd winning a lawsuit against someone who used his credit card, on The Showbiz Show.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Jun 16th 2006 2:42PM

  • Conan O'Brien"This Paris Hilton, she's beautiful, and many of us have seen her naked..." - David Letterman, on his guest Paris Hilton
  • "Jack, I had a seven year relationship...you had a restraining order from the U.S. Gymnastics Team." - Will, to Jack, who told him that he too has had to get over a lot of relationships in the past, on Will and Grace.
  • "Ann Coulter and George Carlin are on the show tonight. That's the last time we have eharmony.com pick our guests." - Jay Leno
  • "It's estimated that over 40,000 prostitutes have gone to Germany for the World Cup. This is the only chance the U.S. team has of scoring." - Conan O'Brien

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Jun 9th 2006 1:20PM

  • Two and a Half Men"It means he's afraid of Santa Claus." - SpongeBob SquarePants, answering Patrick's question about what it means to be claustrophobic.
  • "That's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb." - Charlie, to Alan, after he had a boring date, on Two and a Half Men.
  • "Thanks. It's from the 1982 People's Choice Awards." - Jack, to Karen, who complimented his talk show set, on Will and Grace.
  • "Well, 6/6/06 passed and the devil did not show up. Unless you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter and The Today Show." - Jay Leno
  • "As a special for the World Cup, the hookers down at Times Square - for an extra $50 they won't use their hands." - David Letterman

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted May 26th 2006 2:03PM

  • Jimmy Kimmel"Now can you understand why I drink at night?" - Bob Barker, about the contestants he has to deal with day after day, on The Price Is Right.
  • "Why is it so dusty? If Rambaldi can prophecize the future, you'd think he could advise not to wear $500 shoes." - Sark, about the cave where Rambaldi is buried, on Alias.
  • "Huh. I thought I picked Taylor ... (sniff) ... smells like bacon though!" - Jimmy Kimmel, after unveiling his American Idol prediction (that Bucky Covington would win) from inside an envelope, wrapped in bacon, encased in ice.
  • "God, I want to put that body in escrow ... I don't even know what that means, but is sounds hot." - Nick, to Jake, about Jake dating the real estate agent mom of a future student, on The Jake Effect.
  • "Does he look like a star? To me he looks more like some guy busted on Dateline." - David Letterman, on Taylor Hicks.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted May 19th 2006 1:27PM

  • Will and Grace "Thank you. If you'd like to receive e-mails about upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer." - Phoebe, to her Central Perk audience, on Friends.
  • "You're amazing! If you ever brushed your teeth, I'd kiss you." - Reese, to his grandmother, on Malcolm in the Middle.
  • "What's next?" - President Santos, to Chief of Staff Josh Lyman, on The West Wing.
  • "God, I hope so." - Alan, to Denny, toasting to a new season, with Denny hoping for the "same night," on Boston Legal.
  • "I saw them when I was his age, as my father did before me." - Richard, trying to talk Christine into letting Richie go to the Rolling Stones concert, on The New Adventures of Old Christine.
  • "You never have." - Grace, to Will, who said he didn't like the the "trim" on her daughter's wedding dress, on the finale of Will and Grace.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted May 12th 2006 1:20PM

  • My Name Is Earl"It was reported last week that Rosie O'Donnell will take over for Meredith Viera on The View. It will now be called The Obstructed View." - Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live.
  • "Senioritis. I'm having trouble getting motivated, though I guess I shouldn't tell that to the boss." - Will, explaining to C.J. why he's just walking around the White House, on The West Wing.
  • "It's like Steve is America and you're Arrested Development. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means he's not interested in you." - Fran, explaining her son's disinterest in his father, on American Dad.
  • "Like they say, a man's reach must exceed his grasp, for what's a penis for?" - Charlie, to Alan, about the smartest girl in class calling Jake, on Two and a Half Men.
  • "The resemblence is uncanny. And by that I mean you both have gigantic cans." - Jack, to Karen and her sister, on Will and Grace.
  • "Thanks. First time today.  I've gotten three Matthew McConaugheys, two Aaron Eckharts, and one Thomas Jane. Whoever that is." - Josh Lucas, to Jack, who knew who he was, on Will and Grace.
  • "Doing things on the list without money was starting to feel like surfing TV channels without a clicker. It can be done, but your legs will get awful tired." - Earl, who gave away all his money, on My Name Is Earl.
  • "Comedies are very much alive. As are homeless people." - Michael, who wants to give gambling winnings to Comic Relief, which doesn't exist anymore, on The Office.
  • "Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children, since there's, you know, gambling and alcohol and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night and you know, Hooters is catering. Is that enough? Should I keep going?" - Toby, on why he didn't want Boy Scouts at casino night, on The Office.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 28th 2006 1:33PM

  • Dwight - The Office"All these dolls look surprised for some reason. I wonder what they're all so surprised about. What, you've never seen a handicapped guy before?!" - Joe, examining a box of sex dolls with open mouths in a porn store, on Family Guy.
  • "Wow, Peter that's a book, isn't it? That's the first time I've seen you read something that didn't turn out to be a sandwich." - Brian, on The Family Guy.
  • "Well, for one thing, whether I want to end up looking like you." - Sam, to Josh, who wonders what there is to think about with the White House job offer, on The West Wing.
  • "Everybody keeps telling me to get a life. I don't know. I find life to be terribly overrated. It's actually quite boring when it isn't disappointing." - Lou, to Josh, about work and life, on The West Wing.
  • "You know Janet, I can't tell you how many times anonymous sex has lead to a new job." - Jack, on Will and Grace.
  • "Generally, I like the people I work with. With four exceptions. But I didn't become a Lackawanna volunteer assistant deputy sheriff to make friends. And I haven't." - Dwight, about his part-time police work, on The Office.
  • "Obese and 700 pounds." - Caption underneath an overweight woman, on Dr. Phil. ("And?")

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Why Watch TV: It will make you smarter

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 25th 2006 3:50PM

Due SouthIn honor of the stupid tradition known as TV Turn-off Week, The Toronto Star's Melanie Arpe has a list of great TV quotes from over the years. Who says you can't learn anything from television?

Some of my favorites:

  • "I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought that maybe it was just an inner ear inbalance." - Fraser, Due South.
  • "Never get caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man." - J.R., Dallas.
  • "Ever since we said 'I do' there are so many things that we don't." - Lucy, I Love Lucy.
  • "Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason." - Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld.
[via TV Tattle]

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 21st 2006 1:36PM

  • Keith Olbermann"Your Mouth Can't Get Pregnant." - title of Tina Fey's book about teen pregancy, on Saturday Night Live.
  • "Youre approaching the age where people shake their heads and roll their eyes." - Amy, to Josh, about him not being married or without anyone seriously at his age, on The West Wing.
  • "Old people are gross, no matter how beautiful they try to make them look on Desperate Housewives. Go on, switch over to ABC for five seconds. I'll wait." - Stewie, about Grandpa Griffin, on Family Guy.
  • "For God's sake, give me some venilation! It smells like Brian Dennehy in here!" - Stewie, inside a plastic bubble for medical reasons, on Family Guy.
  • "I hate fake deer, too. Everytime I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em." - Veronica, to a guy practicing archery on a fake deer, on Veronica Mars.
  • "From Adam and Eve straight through to Suri Cruise, the painting is more than 470 feet long." - Keith Olbermann, describing a painting in India that depicts every scene in the Bible.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 14th 2006 1:58PM

  • My Name Is Earl"You take it to court, you're the guy who yells at the ump because of a close call at the plate. Nobody votes for that guy again." Josh, to Matt Santos, if he were to challenge any election result, on The West Wing.
  • "I would totally do her. I just wanted you to know a little about who I am." - convenience store clerk, to Brian, about Jessica Alba, on The Family Guy.
  • "We're rich, we don't have to be good." - one of the housewives' fiancees, about golf, on The Real Housewives Of Orange County.
  • "Just because you say you'd marry Chris Rock doesn't make you a civil rights activist." - Richard, to Christine, who is worked up by the lack of racial diversity at their son's school, on The New Adventures Of Old Christine.
  • "Family Guy is written by manatees? It all makes sense now." Cartman, on South Park.
  • "See this kids? This is why you stay in school, so you don't end up in a hamburger outfit, bending balloons!" - Earl's boss, on My Name Is Earl.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 7th 2006 1:42PM

  • Keith Olbermann"Men don't like stop signs, they like green lights. And war." - Christine, explaining relationships, on The New Adventures of Old Christine.
  • "I don't even want to tell you what I thought that said." - Bridget, trying to read a messy handwritten note that said "vanilla," on 8 Simple Rules.
  • "I don't like female basketball or male pornography. Nothing against either of them..." - Jimmy Kimmel, on the Women's NCAA basketball championship.
  • "He could be a dynamite center square." - J.D., about a funny patient, on Scrubs.
  • "It sounds like a newspaper headline after a construction accident in a Star Wars movie." - Keith Olbermann, talking about the Wookie Hole Caves in England, on Countdown.
  • "Or as I like to call it, "Waiter Weekly." - Karen, about Backstage magazine, on Will and Grace.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Mar 31st 2006 1:09PM

  • Jimmy Smits"International rock star looking after my kids. It's a dream come true." - Matt Santos, sarcastically, about Jon Bon Jovi looking after his son on Halloween, on The West Wing.
  • "Oh oh." - Chris, holding a shoebox, after Lois tells him that the word is diorama, not diarrhea, on The Family Guy.
  • "Heading an empire is more difficult than finding racial diversity in the Ambercrombie & Fitch catalog." - Stewie, standing atop the jungle gym looking over his empire, on The Family Guy.
  • "I lost the nail on my pinky toe. It never grew back, now I have to paint the skin." - Christine, on The New Adventures Of Old Christine.
  • "Sunday, Major League Baseball is back! Barry Bonds says that his life is in shambles. Which is interesting because right on the side of the of the bottle of steroids there's a warning that says 'May Cause Shambles'." - David Letterman

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Mar 24th 2006 1:38PM

  • Family Guy"Flanders?! Can't a man drink alone on a Wednesday morning?" - Homer, to Flanders, who interrupted him sleeping and drinking in a hammock, on The Simpsons.
  • "Two shakes, that's enough, move along." - the FCC censor following everyone around, telling a guy at a urinal that he can't do anymore, on Family Guy.
  • "This is just like Lethal Weapon. Only I actually do hate you." - Detective O'Brien, after being paired with new partner Evans, on Heist.
  • "Yeah, but then who would watch my TV?" - Jim, who is told by Pam to "get a life," on The Office.

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