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May 29, 2012

tvquotes

Why Watch TV: It will make you smarter

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 25th 2006 3:50PM

Due SouthIn honor of the stupid tradition known as TV Turn-off Week, The Toronto Star's Melanie Arpe has a list of great TV quotes from over the years. Who says you can't learn anything from television?

Some of my favorites:

  • "I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought that maybe it was just an inner ear inbalance." - Fraser, Due South.
  • "Never get caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man." - J.R., Dallas.
  • "Ever since we said 'I do' there are so many things that we don't." - Lucy, I Love Lucy.
  • "Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason." - Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld.
[via TV Tattle]

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 21st 2006 1:36PM

  • Keith Olbermann"Your Mouth Can't Get Pregnant." - title of Tina Fey's book about teen pregancy, on Saturday Night Live.
  • "Youre approaching the age where people shake their heads and roll their eyes." - Amy, to Josh, about him not being married or without anyone seriously at his age, on The West Wing.
  • "Old people are gross, no matter how beautiful they try to make them look on Desperate Housewives. Go on, switch over to ABC for five seconds. I'll wait." - Stewie, about Grandpa Griffin, on Family Guy.
  • "For God's sake, give me some venilation! It smells like Brian Dennehy in here!" - Stewie, inside a plastic bubble for medical reasons, on Family Guy.
  • "I hate fake deer, too. Everytime I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em." - Veronica, to a guy practicing archery on a fake deer, on Veronica Mars.
  • "From Adam and Eve straight through to Suri Cruise, the painting is more than 470 feet long." - Keith Olbermann, describing a painting in India that depicts every scene in the Bible.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 14th 2006 1:58PM

  • My Name Is Earl"You take it to court, you're the guy who yells at the ump because of a close call at the plate. Nobody votes for that guy again." Josh, to Matt Santos, if he were to challenge any election result, on The West Wing.
  • "I would totally do her. I just wanted you to know a little about who I am." - convenience store clerk, to Brian, about Jessica Alba, on The Family Guy.
  • "We're rich, we don't have to be good." - one of the housewives' fiancees, about golf, on The Real Housewives Of Orange County.
  • "Just because you say you'd marry Chris Rock doesn't make you a civil rights activist." - Richard, to Christine, who is worked up by the lack of racial diversity at their son's school, on The New Adventures Of Old Christine.
  • "Family Guy is written by manatees? It all makes sense now." Cartman, on South Park.
  • "See this kids? This is why you stay in school, so you don't end up in a hamburger outfit, bending balloons!" - Earl's boss, on My Name Is Earl.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Apr 7th 2006 1:42PM

  • Keith Olbermann"Men don't like stop signs, they like green lights. And war." - Christine, explaining relationships, on The New Adventures of Old Christine.
  • "I don't even want to tell you what I thought that said." - Bridget, trying to read a messy handwritten note that said "vanilla," on 8 Simple Rules.
  • "I don't like female basketball or male pornography. Nothing against either of them..." - Jimmy Kimmel, on the Women's NCAA basketball championship.
  • "He could be a dynamite center square." - J.D., about a funny patient, on Scrubs.
  • "It sounds like a newspaper headline after a construction accident in a Star Wars movie." - Keith Olbermann, talking about the Wookie Hole Caves in England, on Countdown.
  • "Or as I like to call it, "Waiter Weekly." - Karen, about Backstage magazine, on Will and Grace.

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Mar 31st 2006 1:09PM

  • Jimmy Smits"International rock star looking after my kids. It's a dream come true." - Matt Santos, sarcastically, about Jon Bon Jovi looking after his son on Halloween, on The West Wing.
  • "Oh oh." - Chris, holding a shoebox, after Lois tells him that the word is diorama, not diarrhea, on The Family Guy.
  • "Heading an empire is more difficult than finding racial diversity in the Ambercrombie & Fitch catalog." - Stewie, standing atop the jungle gym looking over his empire, on The Family Guy.
  • "I lost the nail on my pinky toe. It never grew back, now I have to paint the skin." - Christine, on The New Adventures Of Old Christine.
  • "Sunday, Major League Baseball is back! Barry Bonds says that his life is in shambles. Which is interesting because right on the side of the of the bottle of steroids there's a warning that says 'May Cause Shambles'." - David Letterman

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And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Feb 24th 2006 2:29PM

  • Family Guy"If Jay Leno makes you laugh, chances are I don't care for you as a person." - The Family Guy's Peter Griffin, giving the Top Ten Things I Would Like To Say To America, on The Late Show With David Letterman.
  • "Crippling depression is a wonderful muse." - Linda, talking about her poetry, on Still Standing.
  • "...because they wanted one last chance at the employee ham discount, or wanted to put a little extra something in the ham." - Jon Stewart, about some of the ham factory workers who won the powerball jackpot going back to work, on The Daily Show.  
  • "I gotta drop a deuce." - Bobby, wanting to use the new outhouse for the usual purpose and not store supplies, on Survivor. 

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And I Quote: The best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Dec 23rd 2005 3:45PM

  • "Give it back! Give it back! He'll kill us all!!" - Lenny, to Carl, after Carl played "gotcha nose!" with the baby Jesus, on The Simpsons.
  • "Actually, I've never met her. I do all my scenes in front of a blue screen at Skywalker Ranch. As a producer, I want to make sure I'm ready for anything in case I need to make any changes and add something, like a dinosaur...or laser beams...or Dakota Fanning." - Jim Carrey, to David Letterman, about Fun With Dick and Jane co-star Tea Leoni. 
  • "Simpson spent Friday in the hospital while her show that night went on as scheduled without her." - Tina Fey, on SNL's Weekend Update, about Ashlee Simpson collapsing backstage at a concert in Japan.

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And I Quote: The best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Sep 23rd 2005 3:35PM

  • Ellen DeGeneres"This is just like that sitcom where there's two dads, except nobody's laughing. Oh wait - it's the same." - Chris Griffin on The Family Guy.
  • "That's not a Vol-vo." - Michael, sorting out pictures, to Lindsay, sitting on a copying machine, on Arrested Development.
  • "Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person...it just means you're not a good actor." - Ellen DeGeneres, The Emmy Awards.
  • "I tried Earl, I really did! At the end I even pulled out my good boob!" - hooker, about trying to seduce someone Earl was trying to help, on My Name Is Earl.
  • "I'll tell you what else helps a lot: killing as many sons of bitches as I can." - Dean, on Supernatural.

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And I Quote: The best one-liners of the week

by Bob Sassone, posted Jun 24th 2005 5:01PM

  • Jay Leno"My doctor says one thing, my butcher says another. Who am I supposed to believe?" - Jack, about his cholesterol level, on Just Shoot Me.
  • "Here's some great news: an 11 year old Boy Scout who disappeared in the mountains of Utah late last week has been found perfectly healthy. It turns out, when he heard about the acquital, he was just hiding from Michael Jackson." - Jay Leno
  • "In the news business, that's called 'an exclusive.'" - Stephen Colbert, to porn star/California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, after she said "you're my first fart," on The Daily Show.
  • "Boy it was hot today. It was so hot today that runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks had to put sunscreen on her eyeballs." - Jay Leno

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