vampires

Personally, when it comes to describing the decisions of drooling, mouth-breathing TV executives, vampires are the most appropriate literary metaphor until someone invents a teen novel series involving mutant bloodsucking teenage leeches in love. Trust me, it's in the works.

Conan O'Brien used his undying vampire assistant and the Avatar aliens to breakdown the brouhaha over NBC's late night schedule during last night's Tonight Show.

Though I still haven't forgiven the great Dr. Abraham Van Helsing for allowing that awful movie with Hugh Jackman to be made about him -- or for not showing up and killing the entire cast of the Twilight -- I'm excited to catch his descendants on the new British import, Demons.

A new horror series from the writers of past British hits Hex and Merlin, Demons features Philip Glenister (Life on Mars, Ashes to Ashes) as cold, stern American Rupert Galvin. The yank must recruit the last descendant of Van Helsing to join forces with him commit to life battling monsters -- before those monsters kill him.

Demons unveils a world just out of humans' sight -- full of vampires and other inhumans. (Insert joke about politicians here.) Luke Rutherford (Christian Cooke) is the "everykid" teenager forced to come to terms with the harsh reality that he's the direct descendant of the vampire-hunting Van Helsing.

What is the deal with vampires? That seems to be the question on everyone's lips this season. Not just us commoners either - last week George Stromboulopolos asked Shawn Ashmore for his opinion (who is apparently qualified to answer based on his appearance in the 'X-Men' movies) - and Shawn had no reply. When such great minds as these are flummoxed, who am I to tackle the subject? And yet, here we are.

I think we all know that vampires in pop culture are metaphorical, but we're not really sure what they're standing in for. With zombies, George Romero pretty much decided it for us. In fact, the idea that zombies stand for consumerism is so entrenched that one of the few moments of purposeful comedy in 'New Moon' has Bella's friend dismissing the latest horror flick for being so predictable.

We're super-psyched for 'True Blood' season 3 to start -- right now! But we'll have to wait a while -- probably June -- for that to happen. We'll do the math for you: it's seven long months away.

We reported a few days ago that two 'Prison Break' alumnus had joined the cast: Marshall Allman as Sam's younger brother Tommy and Shannon Lucio as Bill's wife (in flashbacks). Now comes word of two more casting notes:

Happy Thanksgiving! It's that time of year when we reflect on all the good things in our lives, and of course, my thoughts turn to TV. Let's take a look at a few things on the tube that make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Sexy vampires. Oh my, we got lots of them this year. The Twilight Saga: New Moon's got nothin' on TV vampires. Eric Northman and Bill Compton from True Blood are definitely at the top of my list. Pictured is that hunk o' steamy vamp himself, Eric, a.k.a. Alexander Skarsgard in real life. But we also got those lovely Salvatore brothers on The Vampire Diaries. Elena certainly has some high-class problems, doesn't she? Steadfast Stefan or bad-vamp Damon? They both have their particular gifts.

(S01E10) "Too bad I live alone. I'm at the Ramada watching pay-per-view all day eating everything in sight, including the housekeeping." - Logan, since there's no one at his home to invite him in

As you can see, I'm a little crazy for Paul Wesley and all those muscles, so there ya go. Here's another one, in case you missed last week's episode, "History Repeating." He shows more and more skin with each episode.

We got lots more action and intrigue in this episode, involving Logan, the Sheriff, Caroline and of course, Elena, Damon and Stefan. And they certainly couldn't let the vampires-in-the-church storyline just drop, could they? Of course not. More after the jump.

(S01E09) I was pretty much riveted to this episode of The Vampire Diaries all the way through, but especially at the end, when we learned a whole lot of stuff in the last few minutes. It was fun seeing the vamp brothers Stefan and Damon sort of buddy up, even if it wasn't really real. Given their long history, you have to think there must be some brotherly ... something there, even though Damon killed Stefan's BFF last week and then Stefan nearly killed Damon. Oh those kooky vampire brothers.

(S01E08) "It's not every day a guy turns 162 years old." - Lexi to Stefan on his birthday

What?! Nooooo! They keep bringing in these great characters and then killing them off! Hopefully, they're just stashing the bodies somewhere for a mass resurrection at some point. And, by the way, I totally did not see that coming.

The Vampire Diaries started out great and continues to get better each week. It's so beautifully dark and gloomy. I love the Salvatore's gothic digs, and Stefan is showing considerable restraint at not offing his bad, bad brother Damon.

(S01E07) "So she's a vampire with issues?" - Elena to Stefan about Vicki

Well! In case you haven't watched this week's episode yet, I'll save the big spoiler for after the jump. Suffice to say that things are jumping in The Vampire Diaries, and for some characters, that's not necessarily a good thing.

I continue to love the show and look forward to it every week (and was seriously bummed when it wasn't on last week!). In a sea of mediocre new shows (well, mediocre to me anyway), that IS a good thing.

Castle (October 26, 10 pm, A/ABC)

'Castle' gets on the vampire train, as a new case involves a corpse with fangs and stake in his heart. I'm so confused. Isn't the stake supposed to turn the corpse to dust? Oh wait, that's the years of 'Buffy' talking. Meanwhile, did you know that Richard Castle's 'book' - the very meta 'Heat Wave', written in character from intro to acknowledgments, entered the New York Times best-seller list at #26 last month?

(S01E06) "Everything you know and every belief that you have is about to change. Are you ready for that?" - Stefan to Elena

And to finish that thought ... "I'm a vampire." So Elena knows now; no more speculating or wondering. My first thought was that Elena knows that Stefan is a good vampire. He even races to tell her: "I would never hurt you. You're safe with me." So why is she so freaked out? Because he's a vampire, of course, and who wouldn't be freaked out by that?

I'm loving The Vampire Diaries.

Vampires aren't scary anymore. They haven't been for a while.

Anne Rice saw to that while she was making her fortune turning vampires into the kind of delicate camp caricatures you see hosting cooking shows on Bravo. It's continued through Twilight and every Twilight clone coming down the pipe. Still, Twilight can build it's own Federal Reserve Bank now, and no one gives a cuss what I think.

Now, I've officially typed the word "Twilight" way more than I wanted to today, and I need to get to the point. So, vampires will be the cause celebre of Spike TV's 4th Annual "Scream.," Tuesday, October 27 at 10 PM ET/PT.

True Blood is on hiatus until next year, so I'll do whatever it takes to feed my fixation -- even if it means bringing down a popular pastor and televangelist. I came across this picture of Joel and Victoria Osteen (above, left) -- he's an author, TV host, and pastor at Lakewood Church. I'm sure they're doing wonderful things in the world and helping lots of people.

But really, just look at them. They're Steve and Sarah Newlin from True Blood (above, right). There's no mistaking it, and I have to wonder if Alan Ball had the Osteens in mind when he wrote the parts for the Newlins, played by Michael McMillian and Anna Camp.

Somehow, I feel certain that Joel and Victoria Osteen aren't harboring a grudge against vampires (though I'm sure they work against evil in the world) or holding poor souls captive in their church basement, like the Newlins did at the Light of Day Institute.

Still, it's hard not to see the similarities, isn't it? Both couples are based in Texas, too.

(S01E05) "I'm not going to be one of those pathetic girls whose world stops spinning because of some guy." - Elena to Jenna, about Stefan

Ok, well, we'll see about that. Something tells me that by the next episode or two, Elena's world will indeed stop spinning. And then start spinning wildly out of control. She already knows something's up. She already knows in the darkest part of her heart that Stefan is a vampire. She just needs him to confirm it.

(S01E04) "How do I fight the monster without becoming one myself?" - Stefan

I know The Vampire Diaries has been taking a beating from some TV reviewers, but I'm actually loving it so far. A lot of it has to do with bad-vamp Damon, played so deliciously evil by Ian Somerhalder. He's manipulative and just plain scuzzy, but he's also really cute. That's a bad combo for impressionable girls.

At this point, it's hard to imagine that Elena would fall for any of Damon's tricks. Then again, he did get her to believe that Stefan was actually the manipulative one, dating back to when the two brothers sparred over Katherine. Elena is either really, really stupid or she's being played by a master manipulator in Damon. Maybe a little of both.