water

Do not adjust your web browser. You are now entering the Retro Squad, where we are reviewing past episodes of your favorite shows, in order, every week.

(S06E01) The year was 1994. I was starting my senior year of high school and The Simpsons was starting its sixth season with an episode about Homer giving in to the demands of his children and buying a pool for his family. Everyone enjoys the new pool, but Bart tries to show off for his friends and ends up falling from the treehouse and breaking his leg. As he becomes more and more reclusive (and increasingly insane) he convinces himself that Flanders has murdered his wife and recruits Lisa to sneak into Flanders' house and find evidence. Of course, the whole idea is an homage to Rear Window, which becomes obvious when Bart peers into the apartment of a Stewart lookalike who exclaims some sinister kid is spying on him.

Just a note to anyone who happens to see Ricky Gervais strolling down the street: hit him with a water balloon, he absolutely loves it. In fact, hit him with twelve. Heck, kidnap him, throw him in the back of a truck, and toss him into a public aquarium. Seriously, he can't get enough of that.

Okay, that's not entirely true, but Gervais was beaned with a water balloon recently while jogging in London. Apparently a group of students tried to get his attention, and when he didn't respond they decided to try something different. Gervais says he rang the doorbell to yell at the kids, but only as a joke. He admitted later he felt kind of guilty for it. Seriously, someone should give this man the Nice Guy of the Year award. I don't know anyone else who could be made to feel guilty after being attacked by bored students. I'm guessing Tom Cruise wouldn't have reacted the same way. Oh, that's right, he didn't.

The CW said "no" to the new Aquaman show, but go here to take a look at the trailer (and hurry before the network takes it down!)

I don't think it looks too bad. Sort of like The O.C. meets Smallville.

[via TV Tattle]

When the main emphasis of your ABC special is trying to hold your breath for longer than eight minutes and fifty-eight seconds, the special itself probably doesn't need to be longer than a half an hour. You can try to stretch it to an hour, but you'd have to add a lot of filler. If you go for two hours, then the special becomes both an endurance test for the magician and  the home audience.

Well, as you probably know by now, David Blaine did not break the record for holding one's breath underwater the longest. Granted, if he actually did spend seven days underwater and his body had taken the punishment it supposedly had, lasting for seven minutes and eight seconds was a feat in and of itself. Of course, to get to that point we had to sit through a lot of shots featuring Blaine sitting underwater among sharks and stingrays, or falling into water, or talking about water. Also, we get to hear about his "journey" to his "human aquarium" at Lincoln Center, including all the crazy stunts he had done up to that point.

 

I've been hard on David Blaine in the past for the same reason a lot of other people give him flak: he has a tendency to call himself a magician and then do bits of public performance art that really have nothing to do with magic. When he starved himself over the River Thames, I became indifference personified, but I have to admit his recent stunt has me more intrigued than I'm willing to admit. Has he really been in that watery globe for a week? If we're to believe reports, he has, and it's been taking a toll on his system. Several news outlets have been reporting that health experts who have been watching Blaine are concerned for his health. One expert says the finale of this stunt, which will air tonight on ABC, may not be possible, as Blaine could very well blackout once he's pulled from the globe.  In case you haven't heard, Blaine plans on emerging from the globe, having himself wrapped in chains, and then submerged again to try and beat the record of holding one's breath underwater, which currently stands at eight minutes and fifty-eight seconds. My guess is that the "concerns from medical experts" is all just part of the publicity machine. That, of course, is only my non-expert opinion, but to paraphrase magician Penn Jillette, magic is essentially just another word for lying.

(S17E18) It wasn't that great, and it wasn't that bad. I'm deeming last night's episode "just okay." Using the same template as the "Simpsons Tall Tales" episode, this one found the family waiting indefinitely for their meal at the Frying Dutchman and swapping stories about life at sea. While these episodes as a whole usually turn out to be sub par, the vignettes which make up the episode usually have some great gags in them. Besides, I loved the self-referential remark from Marge when she asks Bart to tell his story before Homer because Bart's story always tends to be the weakest.

The first tale was about the Mayflower, or as Homer refers to the boat of boring Puritans, the "Gayflower." Making fun of the most fundamental of fundamentalist Christians is like shooting fish in a barrel for the Simpsons writing staff, so this was probably the weakest story by familiarity alone.

David Blaine, the street magician turned superstar who proved that even the most amazing stunts can bore people to tears, will be attempting to yet again raise the interest of an increasingly uninterested public, this time by immersing himself in a "human aquarium" for seven days and nights. The stunt will conclude with Blaine trying to hold his breath underwater for longer than eight minutes and fifty-eight seconds, which is apparently the current record. Well, sure, it's the current human record, but what about sperm whales? Or heck, even crocodiles? In fact, maybe they should toss a crocodile into the tank and see which one can hold their breath the longest. Anyway, the finale of Blaine's newest attempt will air on ABC on May 8. At least this sounds somewhat more exciting than when he didn't eat anything for several days and called it "magic." That's not magic, that's called being a fashion model.

OK, let me say right up front that I simply did not like this episode. Actually, I sorta hated it. No big plot developments. No mysteries solved or revealed. And then Charlie goes bonkers for seemingly no apparent reason, only to get his ass beat down my Locke. What's more, we have to wait until Februrary 8 for a new episode. Bummer.

Is it possible to maybe have too much money? After learning of Britney Spears' recent $10,000 shopping spree for baby stuff, I stumble upon a brief on Slate's Web site which says, according to In Touch magazine, that Britney plans a water birth for her baby. More exactly, a birth using $3,800 dollars worth of Kabbalah water. Never has anything seemed so spiritual, and yet, so utterly unnecessary.