Title: Where No One Has Gone Before
Original Air Date: October 26, 1987
Written By: Diane Duane and Michael Reaves
Directed by: Rob Bowman
Episode: S01E06

Stardate: 41263.1

Synopsis: The Enterprise meets up with the USS Fearless, an Excelsior class starship that has just had its warp engines totaly spiffed out by an engineer named Kosiniski, who also drew some totally cool flames down the side of the warp nacelles when he was done putting baseball cards in the engine's spokes.

Starfleet wants Kosinski to hop onto the Enterprise, and see if he can trick out the engines of the Federation's flagship, so the Federation can win the big drag race against the Romulans down in the Dry Riverbed Galaxy after school gets out. Picard is totally cool with this, but Riker isn't as convinced that they need to stick a foxtail on the antenna. He tells Picard that Kosinski sent some specs over, but they're totally bullshit. Data backs him up with a surprisingly brief and to the point explanation. Picard gets really pissed that Riker is questioning his authoritah, but lets Riker take Counsellor Troi with him to the transporter room to check out Kosinski when he arrives.

When they get there, Troi, and Riker join Chief Engineer Argyle in an 18mm "it's the end of they day and we have to get this before the producers pull the plug" three shot as Kosinski arrives, steps off the transporter pad, and reveals to everyone that he is an epic douche. We also meet Kosinski's assistant, who tells us that his name is unpronounceable by humans, an awesome Star Trek device that makes its first of many appearances on Next Generation.

Kosinski whizzes on Riker's leg a little bit to mark his territory, sniffs at Argyles butt, and goes to engineering to work his totally awesome brand of warp drive magic. When he leaves, Troi tells us that he's loud and arrogant. (Riker must be so happy he brought her along for that deep and difficult to observe insight.) But she then adds that she doesn't feel anything from the mysterious assistant, like he isn't even there. (This theme is widely repeated in Troi and Riker fan fiction on Usenet.) Eerie music swells up, so the slower kids in the audience know to be worried, and for the really slow kids in the audience, Riker says that the safety of the Enterprise is in their hands.