wisteria lane

And before you say anything, that's the word used by show creator Marc Cherry, not me.

At a TCA Q and A (check out the reports from Joel and Kevin here), the Desperate Housewives creator says he spends $100,000 a week just getting rid of nipples that show through clothing because "I've got a couple of actresses who refuse to wear bras, and the Standards and Practices go 'Can't see that'...then I'll turn on Friends and it's a Nipplefest."

It's funny because I was just noticing the other day on a Friends repeat that Jennifer Aniston was, um, showing quite a bit. Personally I would have used the word "Nipplepalooza," but that's just me. Now, who are the actresses he's talking about?

[via TV Tattle]

The Golden Globes: the award season's equivalent to a Roman orgy (tastefully done, of course). No seat-holders, plenty of food and libations, and no cue-card written, inane banter between presenters. Most importantly the Globes only present awards to the actors, directors and writers and leave the accolades for best costuming, makeup, and gaffing to the Oscars.

What I like most about the Golden Globes, and subsequently the Screen Actors Guild and People's Choice Awards (the Wal-Mart of awards shows), is that they recognize both television and movies, which makes it interesting for fans of both types of media. If you're not a big movie fan then you don't have to wait too long to see who wins a television category. As I write for . . . ahem . . . TV Squad, my interests tend to lean in favor of the big video box. This is especially true when it comes to television comedies.

With that being said, my in-depth five-minute analysis of the nominees for best comedy can be found after the jump.

Nicollete might be desperate, but she's not that desperate.*

The ABC star was at a dog event the other day called "Dine With Your Dog Day," was supposed to eat dog food at the event, because Eight Is Enough's Dick Van Patten (his company sponsors the event) wanted to show people that "how delicious pet chow can be." Actress Linda Blair was there too and she didn't want to eat it either. Melissa Gilbert and Ross The Intern from Leno's show were there and actually sampled the doggie dinner. James Farentino was there too; no word on whether he ate any dog food or not.

(*And, yes, I know that technically Sheridan isn't one of the housewives, but I can't let a joke go by like that, can I?)

That's the revelation from The Boston Herald's Inside Track today. Richard Burgi was in Rhode Island for a film festival, and he says that when people ask him what it's like to kiss Teri Hatcher and Nicolette Sheridan, he says it's like "sheetrocking." He's kidding of course. He really likes it. (Side note: the pic with the Herald article is really bizarre. It looks like he's giving a self-help speech, or maybe singing like Tom Jones.)

But I think this could be a new euphamism for sex. "Sheetrocking." It sounds slightly British, in a way.  I don't know why.

(S02E23) The thing I liked most about this finale was how what we've come to think was the "main mystery" of the season was really only a consequence of how early it started. Several lasting mysteries (for lack of a better term) were resolved or came into play significantly in this episode, some even likely running into next season.

Once again, let's quickly go over each family's main points from tonight:

(S02E22) I think the best thing about this season is Felicia Tilman. There are a lot of crazy bitches on Wisteria Lane, but who's the craziest? Let's run through them, just from tonight's episode, and see who takes the cake.

Gabrielle -- Is she in the right by reclaiming her palace of a bedroom at the cost of her baby's mother's comfort? She did have a point about her husband already putting their child ahead of the marriage, but sometimes her methods could use some work. Actually, make that all the time.

Teri Hatcher reportedly got tough with Buena Vista Television, the company that produces Desperate Housewives. She demanded a cut from all the merchandise that is sold with the Desperate Housewives moniker and she got her way. According to various sources, the deal puts her among the highest paid actresses on television (a DH publicist contacted us to deny she's the "highest paid" actress on television, as we originally reported). She currently rakes in $315,000 per episode of DH and will make an extra $1 million for one week of work to pimp DH merchandise such as a new video game, a board game, and new ringtones.

Who do you think deserves to be the highest paid actress on television?

Call me crazy, but I think Disney may have its demographics messed up. It is creating a computer video game based on Desperate Housewives. The player will take on the role of a new housewife and uncover or create new scandals. Brenda Strong, who plays Mary Alice on the live-action show, has already signed on with Disney to do a voice on the game. The other cast members are in negotiations.

I think I'd create a nasty housewife who befriends Gabrielle and feeds her lots of food that she swears is fat free, so Gabrielle gains a bunch of weight and no one wants her. What kind of scandal would you create on DH?

As far as I know, In Justice is still on tonight, but things don't look good for the show. And one way you know that is that star Kyle MacLachlan has jumped on over to Desperate Housewives to be the new love interest for Teri Hatcher's character (and maybe have some pie and dance with a dwarf).

Well, at least he's staying with the same network. He's signed for a handful of eps, but could come back for more.

Some South American countries will soon be getting their own Desperate Housewives. Buena Vista Television Latin America is creating Spanish and Portuguese versions of the hit ABC show, complete with their own casts. The Spanish version, called Amas de Casas Desesperades, will air in Colombia, Argentina, and Ecuador while the Portuguese version, called Donas de Casas Desesperades will air in Brazil. Buena Vista says the soap opera-like show is so similar to the Spanish telenovelas that it's bound to be a big hit. There are some cultural differences that will be changed in the show. For instance, the Spanish creators of the show said they'll have to change the occupation of the 'Mike' character because, in South America, there's no way a plumber would live in an exclusive community. Hey, what is that plumber doing there anyway?

Duluth, Minnesota does not want to be known as the town with Desperate Housewives. The Duluth City Council voted against a couple's request to change their street name to Wisteria Lane. Yes, they wanted to do it in honor of Desperate Housewives. David and Jean Sackette said they like the show but they also asked for the change as a way of protesting local environmental restrictions and neighborhood opposition to developing ten empty lots. The city council told the Sackettes that re-naming their street Wisteria Lane was whimsical and unprofessional. Unlike their current street name, Denim Drive.

Best:

5. CBS Sunday Morning  If you don't watch this, you should. It's old-school television news at its best with in-depth news stories, and lots and lots about the arts. Plus, the original "moment of zen" at the end.
4. The Daily Show  A good way to blow off steam when the news of the day is really getting you down.
3. The Office  This show really came into its own this season, and I just adore all the characters.
2. My Name is Earl  Always good for a one-liner.
1. Lost  They mess with our heads. And we like it!

Worst:

5. Night Stalker  I couldn't even stomach the first episode of this new show. Sad, because I had such high hopes for it.
4. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition  Too much showmanship, fabricated content (i.e., who can we get to build this house?), and way too much product placement.
3. Britney & Kevin: Chaotic  Quite possibly the most useless piece of crap to air this year.
2. Desperate Housewives  That's right. I can't stand this show. Too many open plotlines that don't interest me at all.
1. Saturday Night Live  It hasn't been funny in years. Except for that Narnia rap everyone is talking about.